Role Play Idol [Season Two] Challenge #1

Discussion in 'RP Idol Archive' started by Jayn, Oct 7, 2011.

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  1. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007


    Thanks to everyone for signing up. <3

    Your judges for Season Two will be the Bushy Brow, Ego Imperium, Amaimon and ~Ryan~.

    For any of you concerned with biased or unfair judging, SOME of my rules and regulations for them specifically can be found in the spoiler tag. Any unfair treatment will result in the forced resignation of said judge, no exceptions. They've all agreed to the below.

    Being a judge in itself can sound pretty liberating. But it's really not all fun and games. I have quite a few things to let you guys know, but we'll keep it as simple as possible for now. Obviously, this group was made for a reason. To share information and discuss things together between ourselves. You four are the judges. Keep in mind this makes your opinions influence the other members, and also puts you in a position of responsibility.

    You are to be f a i r. When you judge others posts, it has nothing to do with who they are, or if you like them, their literacy, if you've seen them before, how often they role play, blah. I mean, when you really judge them, it's unbiased.

    You are to be h u m b l e. Being in any kind of position of power might boost your ego more so than it may already be boosted. Just make sure you realize we're all just members here. Respect each other. It is important not to discourage anyone, or make them feel like they're unimportant, unworthy, or anything negative. Please use caution and think before you hit 'submit'.

    You are to be be l a w f u l. The next thing I'll cover are some basic guidelines. Rather, areas you'll actually be judging. [...CONT'D ELSEWHERE]

    The Challenge

    Hey guys! For those of you who participated in Season One, this challenge might look a little familiar. As a tradition-in-progress, the first challenge is an Introduction one. Now, this won't completely mimic Season One.

    In this scenario, both of your characters are in danger. Let's say they're being hunted by a killer. This killer is an NPC in this role play, so they can be killed. Now, it's not an invisible killer. Your killer is hot on your trail, you can even see them right behind you. They have more brawn than you, but perhaps not as much wit? You have no weapons, no powers. You do not have to kill the one hunting you, however it is not a matter of hiding and waiting it out, ending your posts that way.

    You must come up with a creative way to evade the killer, not including hiding, using both of your characters. Furthermore, in this scenario, every contestant is actually in this role play with you. Do you have to interact with anyone? No, actually that's not allowed. But you must mention the character of three different contestants in your post and their relation to you/bond/enemy-ship, whatever.

    Why you're being chased it up to you. Let's say the killer looks like a viking. This viking.

    Remember the challenge is still an introduction. The audience knows nothing about your character, so make sure to introduce them along they way.

    Start off running.

    If you need more clarification, please contact me.

    Rules or restrictions for this Challenge.

    ♣ No interacting with any one else's character. You may mention THREE other's in your post (and only three) but you cannot see them, or yell at them or anything.

    ♣ You may NOT hide from the killer.

    ♣ You may not die. Neither of your characters.

    ♣ You MUST use both of your characters and introduce them both.

    ♣ Remember that this is a competition. Try your best to impress me, and the judges. If you're not trying, it will be evident.

    ♣ Posts count, so be relevant. Please don't spam questions in this thread about this challenge, contact me personally.

    ♣ You have until OCTOBER 10TH, 2011 to post. Preferably before then, because we want as much time as possible for the judging process. <: If you do not make that deadline, you are disqualified.

    ♣ Be creative and have fun! It is a competition, but it's also about being creative, original and letting loose.

    ♣ Graphics are okay to use if you want them. But I'm not making them for anyone in this competition. If you use them, you're not scoring any extra points with the judges. I've made it clear that graphics does not equal superior.

    ♣ Post your posts in this thread, below my post.

    ♣ Once you submit, that's your post. You can edit spelling errors and such, but please don't add more on. Only because it would be unfair to post, compare to everyone else's post and edit more in based off of what other people post.

    Members who have yet to post...

    1. Tummer - Jose [m] + Chelsea [f]

    2. P - Faust [m] + KHV-tan [f]

    3. Britishism - Tobias [m] + Jen [f]

    4. Terra254 - Alex [m]+ Alexis [f]

    5. Marushi - Mao [f] + Tatsuo [m]

    6. Midnight Star - Iona [f] + Ryan [m]

    7. Master of Keyblades - Ren [m] + Kiza [f]

    8. Ventus108 - Xoram [m] + Xorainia [f]

    9. Ace the Sticky Man - Chyeze [m] + Ruby [f]

    10. Maka - Nikki [f] + Corey [m]

    11. Firekeyblade - Angel [f] + Andrew [m]

    12. FuzzyBlueLights - Jake [m] + Lizzy [f]

    Happy role playing. :]
  2. Terra254 Traverse Town Homebody

    Sep 25, 2010
    The dust bowl of the mid to late thirties
    Alex and Alexis were running about 3 yards apart,only old,vastful black trees split them apart.
    Alex saw flashes of her,As her him.The trees became troublesome.Come on Alex,Think of something... Alex thought to himself.
    Alexis was counting on Alex,Alex was like her protector,he was also mostly the smart one. "Come on genius,figure something out." Alexis spoke loudly,she was somewhat arrogant,but kind,In a way."I got it,Hold my hand." Alexis kinda let out a small grunt."How will that solve anything?!"
    "Trust me."​
    Alex headed in towards Alexis,Making sure not to run into any tree. Alexis reached for his hand. One of the vikings Alexis was sure was chasing her brother,Luis was also chasing them.He slashed in the middle where their hands were about to connect."Die!" AHH! Alexis screamed like a helpless little girl,which she pretty much was.The sword struck a blunt hollow tree and bounced back hitting the viking in the head,shaking his vision. Alex and Alexis joined their hands in front of the tree the viking had struck."Pull back!We're gonna knock the tree down,He weakened it with his blade!" "With our HANDS?!" Alexis screamed,Almost 100% sure that it was impossible.The viking struck again multiple times at Alex. Alex dodged most of it,Only getting hit on his side,his finger and on his forehead.the other strikes bounced off and on the tree.The tree being hollow,began to crack as Alex and Alexis hands pressed and pulled against it.
    The Viking stuck at Alexis side very powerful. Alex screamed to Alexis,Worried."Just Let go!" But- Do it! Alexis did let go,And jumped out of the way.The sword hit the tree making a big noise,Echoing through the forest,so loud Alex was sure Xoram could hear it,where ever he was.
    Alex got behind the tree as The viking pulled out his sword from it.He pushed the tree,It started to crack more,Until,BOOM!
    It landed right on the viking.
    Is he dead? It doesn't matter,Just run! They both ran off into the distance,leaving behind the Viking.We are alright,But are Chelsea and Luis?
    Alexis though to herself.
    She found Alex's hand and held it.
  3. Firekeyblade Hollow Bastion Committee

    May 26, 2007
    "ANDREW! WHAT DID YOU DO?!" shouted Angel as she ran for her life from an angry viking, shaking his axe and holding his sword in another hand ready for striking. Right ahead of her was her brother Andrew. Previously, Angel had been fangirling at a booth selling Asian swords, since she and her brother were attending a medieval fair of sorts. She wasn't really sure what kind of convention or fair this was, but Andrew had gotten invited by his college friend, Ruby. It was pretty obvious that he had the hots for her, and it's no wonder, as she was a very pretty young woman. However, Angel had a bad feeling about such an invitation by such a...well endowed girl to such a dorky boy as her brother. Thus, she insisted on tagging along. Andrew's a pretty cool guy, so he was all right with that, especially since he was ten times more awkward around Ruby than usual. When they had arrived at the convention, Ruby had shown up with another guy. A far older guy named Tobias. Andrew hadn't a chance. Thus, the two groups ended up separating and traveling through the convention in pairs. It was then when Angel was marveling at the swords that she heard Andrew shout her name. Imagine her surprise, when she suddenly saw Andrew sprinting her way, followed by a particularly angry looking viking. She barely had time to utter a confused 'What?' when Andrew grabbed her hand and dragged her with him in his run.

    Andrew was bummed when Ruby showed up with Tobias, but he quickly got over it. After all, Tobias probably had a better chance than he did. So he and his sister decided to go and explore the weaponry convention on their own. Angel was always interested in swords, so she quickly went over to all the booths with swords. However, Andrew was more interested in the culture and technology of swords and armor. It was then that he noticed a viking cosplayer. He couldn't help but notice that the cosplayer was using the wrong sword. Vikings didn't have that kind of sword with them, and so he politely tapped the guy on the shoulder and told him just that. He soon got into an argument with the viking and soon, tensions spilled over and the cosplayer snapped, going after him. Yikes! It may not be the right sword, but it's still real and sharp! thought Andrew in a fright as he quickly turned tail and ran as fast as he could. He saw Angel a few booths ahead and called her. "ANGEEELLL! We've got to go now!" he shouted as he quickly grabbed her hand and yanked her along with him. He could hear the viking's shouts of rage and his panting. The armor wasn't that light for the guy unfortunately. While running, Andrew noticed plenty of other people dressed up as various warriors from different nations. He even saw another kid that was a few years younger than him that he hung out with sometimes. It was Oz and he was dressed up as a knight. Oh my god, I've got to get this guy off our tail. But how? Pus I ended up dragging Angel into this too. Geez, who would've known the guy would be so sensitive over a mistake? thought Andrew frantically. Wait. I've got it. "Angel, I've got an idea to stop this madness. Just listen to me, all right?"

    Angel could not believe that she was panting for breath running for her life in a weapons convention with her brother. From a viking. He must've said something to him. It's always Andrew's big mouth. She was also trying to think up a plan to get rid of this guy somehow. It was then Andrew spoke to her. "Really? Well I was thinking too. Want to see if our thoughts were synchronized?" she asked in a playful tone.

    "Oh yeah? Well were you thinking of suddenly stopping to try and trip him up?"

    "Sure. I was thinking of suddenly stopping, but sure. You count."

    "All right. 1, 2, 3!" He suddenly stopped fast on his feet, and looking to his side, Angel did too. They had let go of their hands and had their legs poised to trip up the viking. As planned the viking was unprepared for the sudden stop and kept barreling forward tripping on both of their outstretched legs. Quickly, Andrew stomped on one hand that held the sword. Using his cue, Angel did the same with the hand with the axe. They both kicked the weapons away and held the guy down with their legs. Phew. The guy was now disarmed. Now to wait for security. Hopefully someone in the giant crowd that had seen the chase had called security. "Haaa.....haaa......nice...job, Angel." " was a.....good plan...Andrew."
  4. Britishism Gummi Ship Junkie

    Jun 4, 2011
    Radio Free Wasteland
    EDIT: OOC: Oh gog I just realized I'm probably disqualified. I interacted with Lizzy. The rules say you can't do that, so, my bad. I accept disqualification peacefully~

    Jen crossed her arms. "Lizzy... Lizzy!" The young girl shouted, peering around the wall of the quiet suburban home. Jen found this kid, Lizzy, just wandering on the streets. She decided to take the kid in and give her a nice warm meal, despite the child's protests that she had a home and was just heading home. And now she was somewhere in their house, and with Tobias off at work, what could she do? Jen sighed. "Okay. I give up. But when my Dad comes home, he's calling your folks." She yelled to no one in particular. What was up with this kid? Jen slumped back onto the couch. She didn't regret giving the girl dinner, that was a perfectly good deed. She slowly closed her eyes, tired from chasing Lizzy around the house. It would just be thirty minutes until Tobias came back...

    -- ://: --​

    Tobias scrawled a few random numbers onto the form, continuing to glance at the clock on the wall. Seven o'clock. Thirty more minutes. Faust wouldn't dare making him work overtime tonight, no matter how much of an..."eccentric" the old man was. Tobias's new client was constantly e-mailing new pointless crap for him to fill out, and he was honestly ready to go home. He cracked his knuckles and began copying the completed form onto a word document. He hated his job.

    -- ://: --​

    Tobias quickly powered off his computer and got to his feet. Done. And a beautiful night it was, too. He flicked the lights off in his office, waved to his co-workers, and entered the elevator to leave the building. A hulking beast of a man filled most of the space, barely allowing Tobias to squeeze in. Taking a closer look, he was shocked to discover that the man was a cosplayer, dressed as a viking. But what would he be doing in the office building still dressed like that? He sighed, accepting the fact that asking would just leave him with another bruise he had to explain to Jen. The elevator abruptly stopped on the by floor, allowing Tobias to abandon the claustrophobic Vallhallavator. He gave an awkward wave to the "Viking" and walked into the busy street. The Viking followed suit, stopping to stand directly next to Tobias. Tobias sighed again and hailed a taxi. The Viking looked down at Tobias, crossing his arms and glaring. Tobias saw the cab pull in from across the street, slowly pulling towards the sidewalk. He bit his lip. "So... viking convention, or what?" The Viking did not reply, but simply narrowed his eyes and gave Tobias a rough shove. The 30 year old tumbled backwards, narrowly remaining on the sidewalk. He got to his feet and rubbed his elbow. "The hell was that?" He said angrily, now glaring at The Viking. As the cab pulled up to the sidewalk, Viking pulled what seemed to be an actual steel sword and stabbed it into the taxi's window. The glass shattered, sending the cab driver diving out of the vehicle. The poor man began running across the street, crying for someone to help. Tobias swore and began backing up. He spun on his heel and began dashing down the busy streets.

    -- ://: --​

    Jen was startled awake by an emergency broadcast on the news. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and sat up on the couch, unable to let her eyes focus on the television screen. She glanced at the clock. Seven fifty-four. There was a note on the couch next to her, in a young child's handwriting.
    I got bored. So I went home.
    I can handle myself.
    Thanks for the lasagna.
    Jen sighed and got to her feet. She honestly didn't want to deal with that kid anymore. She finally took the time to listen to the blaring news broadcast. "Mysterious "Viking"...two dead...seems to be chasing..." At this point, a photo of Tobias was lifted to the middle of the screen. Jen covered her mouth. "Oh...g-god..." She whispered, a tear dripping down her cheek. She threw open the front door without thinking, dashing into the cold suburbs. "Dad!" She cried, dropping to her knees. Suddenly, the sound of a crash echoed from the neighborhood entrance. Tobias was running towards the house, an enormous man dressed as a Viking running up behind him. Tobias had an enormous bloody slash on his right arm and several bruises covering his body. Jen gasped and got back to her feet, waving her arm to beckon her injured father towards her. Tobias's eyes grew wide, and he quickened his speed. In less than thirty seconds, her father had reached her side, stepping in front of her to shield her body from The Viking. As the man ran towards them, Tobias looked down at Jen, a tear in his eyes. "He's going to attack. I want...I want you to run." He murmured, pushing a strand of Jen's blond hair out of her eyes. The Viking was only feet away. Jen turned back to run, screaming. Tobias gave one last smile. And then the Viking was there. The axe swung down towards her father's face, causing Jen to scream again. Milliseconds before the axe struck her loving father, Jen dove forwards and tackled him, sending them both tumbling into the Viking's legs.​

    -- ://: --​

    Tobias slowly opened his eyes. He wasn't dead. He was still here. Jen was curled in his arms, knocked out cold. He softly placed her on the grass in front of the house and got to his feet. The enormous Viking was laid out flat on the sidewalk, his axe stuck in the firm concrete. His sword remained in his left hand, coated with blood from citizens back in the city. Tobias chuckled, perhaps part from insanity. What a night. The giant stirred, and slowly pushed himself off the street. The Viking got to his feet and stared into Tobias's eyes. Tobias laughed again, twice as maniacally. "Yeah? Well?" He roared into the Viking's face, punching the murderer into the gut and cackling again. The Viking stumbled backwards and yelled, swinging his sword into Tobias and slashing through the fabric of his shirt. Tobias narrowed his eyes. "Don't touch me again." He said softly. The Viking slammed the hilt of his axe into Tobias, sending a resounding crunch through the neighborhood. Tobias crumpled backwards into the grass, barely clinging to life. The Viking hulked over them, an enormous toothy smile on his face. Tobias wiped the blood off his face and stood up. This started with a shove, right? He laughed. Let's end it with one. A small push on the Viking, and the unbalanced giant tumbled backwards into the street. The man was hilariously unable to get his massive body back upright. Tobias couldn't help but compare him to a turtle. Tobias turned on his heel and picked up his injured daughter. Even with his wounds, he heard it. A car was coming. Not even The Viking could survive that. The vehicle smashed into the beast-like man, sending rubble soaring through the suburbs. Tobias slowly turned his head around. He smiled. The wreckage of a yellow jeep was smoking in the middle of the road. Tobias looked at the injured driver crawling out of the crash. Tobias gave another chuckle. This wrapped up nicely. He set Jen on the porch and walked out to pull the driver to safety. As Tobias dialed 911 into his cellphone, he realized jut how rough things had gone for him. He was bleeding from two enormous gashes, and the wound on his head was obviously developing a concussion. He barely had enough energy to alert the authorities to the location, before his cellphone dropped from his hand and shattered on the sidewalk. Tobias, dizzy, dropped to the street alongside the driver.

    -- ://: --​

    Jen opened her eyes. The flickering fluorescent lights of a hospital blinked overhead. She remembered. It was the Viking. She slowly, agonizingly turned her head to the left and checked the clock on the bedside table. It was six A.M.. On the bed across from her, she took in a gravely injured man, someone she vaguely remembered seeing around town sometime. But he was nobody special. The man seemed close to death. Bits of her memory, blurred and quiet, returned. The driver... it wasn't his decision. He... who knows why he had come down that street in the suburbs. But it wasn't his fault that the Viking was dead. It was Tobias. Her father pushed the man into the street and killed him. He killed him. But he had to, of course. He had to save everyone. But this driver? He hadn't been saved. He'd been doomed. So it hadn't been a happy ending. But how could she have expected that? Ah, well. That's life. That's death. She was optimistic. She couldn't help but think things would get better. And maybe, they would.
  5. Midnight Star Master of Physics

    Jun 7, 2009
    Ryan ran. He knew fair well he'd messed up again, him and his big mouth. He'd been trying to act the hero, he'd seen some guy dressed up as a Viking of all things, chase after some people and he'd decided to shout at him and tell him to leave them alone. He wasn't even sure why he'd done that, possibly because Nikki was among them, he never forgot a cute girl's name and he wanted to impress her. Bad idea. The huge guy had turned his attention over to him and he'd discovered a little too late that the sword the Viking was swishing all over the place wasn't quite as fake as he'd previously anticipated. So now he was running and running, desperately attempting to think of a way to get out of this situation.

    This day was not turning out as Iona had planned; she’d actually been convinced to come out for once by Chelsea as ‘It would be a laugh’, she’d not been sure but she’d decided that she may as well go and give it a chance. So, she went and long story short, instead of finding Chelsea and Kiza, she’d found a murderous Viking. Not her idea of a laugh by a long shot. Fortunately when she’d first found the Viking, some idiot from her class, a cocky guy named Ryan had saved her distracting it. Once she’d managed to get over her panic and could think straight; she decided to repay the favour, as clearly Ryan wasn’t good at thinking ahead. She set off running, taking a short cut and was quickly running parallel to him “Listen to me! You need to run into that building, we can trap him”

    Ryan looked over at the girl who had just appeared, automatically nodding and adjusting his route, he needed any help he could get. Although looking over at the small girl running alongside him, it took him a moment to realise who it was. He was much more used to seeing Iona sitting quietly with her head stuck in a book then her telling him what to do. He wasn’t complaining though, if she could get him out of this mess then she was amazing and he listened to her instructions that she continued with carefully before reaching the building, “Alright, here goes nothing. You big oaf, you can’t get me!” He was sure this was madness but he had no better ideas, so he just prayed he wasn’t killing himself.

    He dashed into the building and as was planned the Viking followed him in. He darted through the room, chucking down everything he could find behind him in any attempt to slow them. In any other circumstances he would enjoy this destruction and probably get in lots of trouble for it, but as it stood he only cared about getting out alive. His heart felt like it would burst out of his chest and he could hear the monster so close behind him, he just ran. Doubts began to creep into his mind that the exit Iona had promised wouldn’t be there. What if he was trapped in her with that Viking? He couldn’t run forever, he was dead meat.

    Then he saw her, like an angel she stood there surrounded by light, showing him the way out. His legs burned but he couldn’t stop now, he was so close. He mustered up his strength into a final sprint, all those hours in the gym finally paying off. He could almost feel the Viking behind him, ready to kill him if he was only a second too slow. But in his final blast of speed, he burst through the door. Iona wasted no time, she slammed the door shut and began blocking it up with piles of stuff. “Will it…hold him?” Ryan asked between pants.

    At that moment his sword came straight through the door, “Not for long. Let’s get out of here before he escapes!”
  6. Maka Albarn It's called love

    May 7, 2008
    Fairy Tail
    Of all places in the world, why did it have to be a wax museum?

    Because Nikki is random like that?’ Corey mentally questioned himself.

    But not so. It was because Aunt Ruby suddenly called out of the blue and asked his dear mother if he could come spend some time with her at his house, and because Aunt Ruby has a way with words he was here; doing stupid stuff like going on a stupid dare with his Aunt’s “permission” to explore the wax museum at night with his ditzy, happy go-lucky friend Nikki, her friend Chelsea (with the boyfriend that never showed up), and trouble maker, little tyke Lizzy. He was the only guy in this whole stupid dare.

    Well, not anymore.

    HERAAAAAAAA!” the Viking bellowed, voice echoing off of the walls and shaking the very center of any soul in range, sword raised high as his feet pounded on the marble surface, chasing after Corey and Nikki as if he was on a blood lust mission.

    I thought,” huff, “you said,” huff, “this was a,” wheeze, “WAX museum!” Nikki yelled at the top of her lungs in between pants as she ran, her arms flailing and her head tipped back to try to catch some air as she and Corey skid around a corner, passing a figurine of Jack Sparrow, almost losing her balance as her thin soled shoes tried to catch her sudden shifting of weight. She steadied herself and sprinted to catch up to Corey, who wasn’t going to wait around for her at all. “Not,” puff, “Erik the Red,” gasp, “comes to life to kill US!

    Him and everything else in this freakin’ museum!” Corey shouted back and looked over his shoulder past his blond curtain of bangs to see how the warrior faired on slick marble flooring. The Viking couldn’t even make a turn and slammed right into the wall, unlike Ms. Clumsy to his left who managed to keep going. But then to Corey’s dismay he pushed off of it as if he wasn’t fazed by it, and was back to charging at the teens again, almost like a T-rex as his feet clobbered down the hallway after them.

    Crap! CRAP!” Nikki slowed to catch a breath, but she saw the Viking killer wasn’t done with them and sprinted as fast as her feet would let her to catch up to Corey. Her cheery mood had all but melted into straight out fear. This little dare ended up to be something straight out of a horror film… Last she saw Chelsea and Lizzy, they were together in Michael Jackson’s wax set of the Thriller. But when those stupid zombies came to life, it was as if Hell broke loose.

    Best term yet.

    And to top it off, she was with Oz (Nikki’s little nickname for Corey). He was a constant downer, the serious kind of cold one of the group and especially in times like these, he wasn’t the nicest being to be around with. Sure, maybe it was because she was raised by nice people like her Grandma Ma on a peaceful farm, she wasn’t totally used to guys like him… There was something in him that was-

    Nikki! Move to the edge of the wall!

    She looked up as her thought bubble burst, just in time to see a “Careful! Wet Floor!” sign and then she looked further down the hall. The janitor’s door was wide open, or was it the back room? She couldn’t tell from here. Something told her Oz had a plan.

    Okay!” she gasped, quickly separating herself from Corey’s side as he ran to the right edge of the hallway, completely trusting him as the Viking was still coming right at them from behind without stopping.

    Corey moved to his opposite of the wall, seeing the sheen of a little puddle against the security green neon light over them, still left on the floor from a lazy janitor. He glanced to his left, seeing that Nikki was running in time with him on her side of the wall. Noticing briefly her outfit with her suit jacket and short skirt with her smooth surfaced shoes, that just had to be uncomfortable to run in he thought.

    Coming back to reality, Corey looked to see that they were nearer to the door they were running to. Now it was time. “Run to the door, NOW!

    Cutting across back to each other, one just a step behind the other, they both ran through the door. Corey reached an arm out and caught Nikki who almost slid passed him and roughly pulled her back to him. “Help me close it!

    Nikki fumbled a bit, pressing her back to the door as Corey grasped on the handle and began to push with her help. He looked down the hallway just in time to see that his plan actually worked. The Viking slipped, his battle cry of “HERAAA!” turning into an “UHAHUHAAAAH!” as he slid across the floor as if he was on a sheet of ice, speeding right to the door like a freight train.

    Close it!” Corey bellowed desperately as he pushed his weight on the heavy metal door. “Close it, close it, CLOSE IT!

    Were they going to make it?

    With a grunt, Nikki shoved her shoulder against the door at the same time Corey did, slamming the door shut. There was a pause and then-


    Nikki shrieked when the metal door made an indent on their side in between them, but it held. Silence enveloped them as they leaned against the cool metal surface in the dimly lit room, both of them panting as silently as possible and listening very carefully.

    Nothing stirred.

    The girl sighed out heavily as she let the back of her head fall against the door, closing her eyes as if she wanted to believe it was over. “Is it dead…?

    Corey looked over at Nikki, then up to a metal grated window. "Dunno.” He stood on his tiptoes, peering through the glass. Their fellow Viking killer was flat on his back, his giant Viking sword to the side of his body. He looked dead enough to Corey anyways. It was probably safe to sneak out-

    Oz...” his friend squeak.

    Corey glanced at Nikki and saw that she was staring in the darkness, her eyes wide, pointing towards the shadows of the room. Then he heard something like stiff joints popping and stretching after being scrunched up for so long in a tight space.

    Groaning in himself, he hesitantly peered into the darkness.

    More shadow forms of manikins were rising from their slumber, most of them missing a limb or two, or even a whole head. This was the wax reject room, the Island of Misfit toys. But there wasn’t going to be any cutesy songs about wonderful Christmas day.

    Boys and girls of every age, wouldn’t you like to see something strange?” Corey quoted under his breath, speedily glancing around to find something to defend himself. A fire extinguisher was mounted on the wall right by his head and he hurriedly yanked it off of its stand. He could see Nikki grabbed what was available to her; a janitor’s mop.

    He held up the fire estinguisher, knowing they weren’t going to have time to open the heavy door and run from this one. They were just way too tired from their little marathon with the Icelandic warrior. “Remind me to thank Aunt Ruby for letting us come here,” Corey muttered, raising his weapon up and aimed.
  7. CrownMoksha Decimo

    Jan 11, 2011
    On board the DenLiner
    Great, how'd did we get into this mess. Ren thought as he pulled his sister into an old building. It was suppose to be a very simple day. They were going to meet with Chyeze and Mao in the park, but instead they run into a viking who decides that he what them both dead has them running into an old house. As soon as they were inside, he tried to take a breath next to the door.

    “Ren, get out of the way!†Kiza shouted as the viking’s axe went straight through the wood next to Ren’s head. Pulling him away from the wall as best as she could, the viking kicked the door down and began to chase them again. It wasn’t long before they came to what looked like the living room of this home. Feeling a tug on her arm, Kiza came to an abrupt stop right in front of a giant hole on the center of the room.

    “Good thing I stopped you.†Ren said with a smile.

    “Oh shut up.†Kiza replied as the viking made his way into the living room and let a fierce battle cry once he saw them. “Doesn’t he know when to quit?â€

    “Apparently not.†Ren said as they ran out of the room and onto the staircase. Once they were high enough that the viking couldn’t see them, Ren slowly moved his head over the rusted hand rail and found that the viking had gone under them because the first thing he noticed when he looked over was the tip of a sword almost going through his head. Not wasting anytime, they ran up the stairs and into the closet room they could find. Once they were inside, they locked the door, hoping that it would buy them some time.

    “How long do you think we have until he gets here?†Kiza asked.

    “I’d say about five minutes or less.†Ren replied.

    “Great, just great.†She said, staring to move in a circle. “We’re dead, just dead.â€

    “Calm down, he hasn’t killed any of us yet!â€

    Suddenly the door flew open and revealed the viking staring dead at them causing Kiza to shriek. Seeing this as a chance to strike, the viking charged right at her with his axe held high. The next thing she knew, Ren had pushed her out of the way and the axe slammed into the wooden floor where she was, causing both the viking and Ren to fall. “Ren!†She attempt to call out for him, but all she got in return was one loud thud on the bottom floor. Slowly moving to the newly made hole, she tried to see if there were any signs of him. It was then she saw Ren hanging on to one of the broken floorboards. “Ren!†She shouted with as some tears of joy fell down her cheek.

    “Yeah, yeah I’m alive. Now get me up before I really do fall.†He said reaching his hand out for her to grab. Taking a firm grip, she manages to pull him out of the hole. “So, now what?â€

    "After everything that’s happened today, I can’t wait till we get out of this place.†Kiza said getting off the floor and making her way ut of the building.

    “Hey, wait for me.†Ren shouted running after her.
  8. Lauriam I hope I didn't keep you waiting...

    Jun 4, 2009
    Nonbinary She/He
    Daybreak Town
    OOC: GAH!!! I spent like an hour writing a super-long post that was great, and my stupid computer messed everything up and now I lost my post. Rrgh, Well, here goes. XP

    IC: Running. Why did he always run? It seemed like everytime something happened, every time he had a problem, he ran. Why couldn't he stand and face his problems, why did he always run?

    It all started that day when Tatsuo was in the mall on his way to meet some friends. Jake, Ren, maybe Jose, the point was, he was here to hang out. And maybe that's all that would have happened, who knew? But that's not how things happened. He had brought Mao, his little sister. She had wanted some new sheet music and pencils, and Tatsuo really didn't mind buying things for her when he got the chance. So they stopped at the music store. After Mao got her paper and pencils, they still had some time to spare. So he settled onto a piano stool nearby and let Mao walk around a little, look at things.

    Everything went fine until the freak walked in. Big and hairy, the dude had muscles the size of Tatsuo's head and he stank like he hadn't showered in a few days. The real zinger, though, was the costume. The guy was dressed up like a viking, fake beard, plastic axe and everything. Don't make eye contact, he thought. Just keep your head down, don't make any problems. He sat quietly as the viking went down an aisle and dissapeared from veiw. Thing's were quiet for a minute, and then there was a clatter near the back of the store and a very angry voice yelling something. The cashier left the register and ran towards the back of the store, and Tatsuo also stood, walking to the end of the aisle and looking over. What he saw made him furious. The viking was standing over Mao, shouting at her as she knelt down and picked up paper and pencils, mixed in with a music book and a couple of instrumentals CD's. The cashier was trying to get him to leave, but the guy shoved her away and kept shouting at Mao. Mao didn't respond, she simply knelt there, a glazed look in her eyes as if she wasn't even listening. Tatsuo hurried over to Mao, kneeling down and gathering the rest of the things and taking it all from her arms. As they stood up, the viking continued to yell, obviously drunk. "What'cha doing, huh?" He yelled. "Whyn'tchu watch where yer goin?" Mao stood and looked up at him, saying nothing. Tatsuo pushed her gently behind him, and looked up at the viking. "Hey man," he said. "Calm down, you ran into her." The viking reached out and knocked all the stuff from Tatsuo's arms. "I didn't push nobody, man!" he said slurring his words and advancing closer. "Don'tchu accuse me of pushing no little girl!" With that said, the viking reached out and pushed Tatsuo hard in the stomach, shoving him out of the way and into a shelf. Guitar picks and strings fell to the ground and he hit his head on a display case. The viking reached out and grabbed Mao's arm, holding her in place against the wall."What'chu gonna do, little girl?" he said. "Aint'chu gonna say nothing?" Mao looked at him blankly, tilting her head as if she were trying to figure something out. "Come on, say something!" he shouted, his giant face inches from her small one. "Or are you too stupid to talk?" That was it. If there was anything in the world that made Tatsuo mad, it was when someone called Mao stupid. "SHE IS NOT STUPID!!!"He yelled, jumping up and tackling the viking. The dude let go of Mao's arm and turned to Tatsuo, leering. It wasn't like Tatsuo was a threat or anything. How much damage could a skinny 18-year old do against a viking the size of a football player? Not much. The viking, however, could do a lot of damage to Tatsuo. Laughing, the freak reached out and punched him. Hard. Tatsuo reeled backwards, falling to the ground. His head was swimming and he knew he was going to get seriously hurt. But then, the viking let out a groan and fell to his knees. Mao stood behind him, he didn't know what she had done to make him fall like that. She held her hand out to him and he grabbed it. She helped him to his feet and they jumped over the viking and took off for the exit.

    And so they ran. The viking was right behind them, pushing past the security guards and pedestrians trying to get to them. "I- I can't..." He was running out of breath, he couldn't run much longer. "We need to- we need-" Suddenly, Mao stopped short. Tatsuo stumbled and looked behind him. The viking was coming up fast. "Tatsuo," Mao spoke. She usually didn't, but when she did, her voice was soft and low, like the music she played at home."Look over there." Tatsuo turned. He didn't see anything, just a bunch of stores. "I don't see-" But it was too late, Mao took off and ran into one of the big department stores. He had no choice but to follow her, the viking was right behind them. When Tatsuo caught up with Mao, he saw that she was headed towards an escalator in the back of the store. "Wha-?" He ran up the escalator behind her. When he got to the top, she was already standing there, next to a purse display on wheels. "Move," she said. He moved. She shoved the stand down the escalator and with a crash, it hit the viking. Purses flew everywhere, the plastic axe fell out of the guy's belt and over the side of the rail, and both stand and viking fell to the bottem. They landed with a crash, and the security guards swarmed over the viking, hauling him to his feet. "Tatsuo," Mao said gently."Sit down. You hit your head and need to rest." . As he sat, he looked up at her. "Mao," he said. "I'm sorry that he called you stupid. I wish that everyone could see how amazing you are." She smiled."Why would they have to see?" she asked happily. "I know who I am, what does it matter what other people think? Besides, Those who spend their time putting others down usually find that they themselves cannot get any lower." Tatsuo looked up at his sister. He was glad that she felt that way, of course, but it just wasn't fair that someone so brilliant was always treated the way she was.Why were people so shallow? It just didn't make any sense.
  9. P Banned

    Oct 5, 2007
    New Zealand
    There are many tales of the ocean, but none so popular as those of the exploits of pirates. The lure of piracy attracted people of all kinds, some driven to crime by greed, others by prospects of fame and glory. Some men just wanted the opportunity to rape and murder. The most successful of these ascend beyond the ranks of mortals, into the realms of legend, their cruelty immortalised. This is one such tale: the legend of Faust, a nomad of the sea, said to travel from ship to ship, setting them ablaze before seizing his next vessel, and how he met an extraordinary girl.

    "GRAAAAHAHAHAHA!" Faust laughed, as he took a running leap from the deck of his wooden ship, flames licking at his feet , even as the storm raged, threatening to overturn the burning vessel. He flew over the wild ocean, and landed a blow with his staff on the chest of a sailor of the opposing ship, following through with both his feet. Despite being over four times older than the young man, Faust was well-built, and had no problem knocking his unfortunate victim over. Grinning like a madman, his ashen beard illuminated by the lightning, he bent over his prey and latched onto his neck with his sharpened teeth. He pulled back violently, and chewed for a moment, before spitting the remains of the throat out to the side and licking his lips.

    Slave ships were always Faust's favourite to attack. They had a healthily-sized crew, and on top of that, enormous numbers of sub-humans. So many lives for him to relish. The last time he'd been on one, he'd quickly killed the standing captain, a man called Tobias, before converting the ship into a gladiator arena, in which the slaves were forced to fight each other for their freedom. That time was a great deal of fun, until a brother and sister by the name of Kurosakii refused to kill each other. So instead he was forced to change the game to one where he removed a limb-a-day for the next two months. (Ironically, that proved to be more entertaining than his first idea.)

    He was contemplating what sort of games he'd play with this one, when he heard a cry from the side of the ship, followed by a splash.

    "There's nothing we can do; He's free! We have to abandon the others!"

    Faust hurried around, only to see the crew of sailors in a ramshackle row-boat for an instant, before the darkness of the storm and ocean swallowed them. Disgusted, he wandered inside the hold of the ship, trying to find the slaves. Disappointingly, he could only find a bird cage with a blue-haired girl the size of his palm slumped down the bottom of it. He roughly spat a mix of tar and phlegm onto her, trying to check whether she was even alive. He saw her arm twitch, so he roughly grabbed her and shoved her into his pocket, on the rationale that she may be some fun to nail to a wall later.


    The sound of metal-on-metal, that of a cage opening, rang out through the storm. Faust looked around, trying to determine where the sound had come from. Then...


    The entire ship groaned with pain as the trapdoor in the floor of the hold flew eight feet in the air and lodged itself in the ceiling. A lumbering behemoth of a man rose through the hole, holding a large axe and sword. His eyes were bloodshot and red, his bare chest a field of scars. Lodged on the base of his sword was the body of a member of the crew who failed to leave at the same time as his friends. His head turned, surveying the room. His eyes met those of Faust, and narrowed to slits. He threw back his head and roared. He lashed out with his battleaxe at Faust in a fury, striking the floor in front of him, sending chips flying into the old man's face.

    Faust held his ground, and looked into the berserker's face. In it, he saw himself, half a century ago, merciless and savage, interested only in death. He knew there could be no reckoning with such a beast. It would undoubtedly massacre every living creature on the ship. Were he fifty years younger, Faust would consider attempting to defeat the man. As he was now, he knew there was no hope. He didn't even have a weapon; he had learned to forsake them along with his previous voyager, only taking his cane. Holding the Viking's gaze, staring him down as he would a bull, he slowly moved backwards, hands feeling for the lantern on the wall.

    As soon as his hands felt the cold touch of the metal, the Viking stepped into range, axe again raised. Not missing a beat, Faust clasped the lantern and hurled it at his feet, before turning and fleeing. a large plume of smoke rose behind him, shielding him from the beast's gaze. Through the cabins, in the crew's rooms, along the halls, he would grab the lanterns and throw them to the floor. He laughed, as with each lantern, a small fire ignited. Admittedly he usually waited for a new ship before torching his current one, but at present he did not have such a luxury. Instead, he chose to entrust his life to the weaving of the fates.

    Ten minutes later, he was standing on the bow of the vessel in the rain, listening to the chorus of screams echoing from the depths of the ship. He inhaled deeply, savouring the smell of burning flesh, and watched as the remains of his previous ship burned down to a smouldering wreck.

    Twenty four hours later, he was adrift, clutching a single plank for life. Somehow he had survived the storm, and was now enjoying a calm sea breeze, and waiting for a new cargo barge to come along the trade route and take pity on him. He paid no attention when he felt something rustle around inside his jacket pocket and merely assumed it was a rodent of some description. He received quite a surprise when a minute blue-haired head emerged, followed by an equally proportioned body. Not to be caught off-balance, he struck up friendly conversation with her, and resolved to refrain from harming her, at least until he got some nails.

    After four days, he had learned that her name was KHV-tan, and that she'd been captured by the crew in order to be sold as a novelty item. She didn't seem to share his passion for torture and murder, but nor did she pay any less attention than when they talked about anything else. His only complaint that he was getting incredibly thirsty. He was beginning to weigh up the pros and cons of decapitating his companion's head and drinking her blood to sustain him when all of a sudden—

    "Hey, what's that?"

    Faust looked off into the horizon, where KHV-tan was pointing. Squinting, his eyesight failing him, he gruffly asked, "Whaddis it?"

    "I'm not sure, but I think... I think it's a boat."
  10. Scarred Nobody Where is the justice?

    May 14, 2007
    Luis was acting on pure instinct at this point. He was running as fast as he could, avoiding any obstacles that had potential to seriously slow him down. Everything around him seemed to remind him of death: broken down cars, old buildings, and the occasional body on the floor. The only thing that was keeping him going was they young girl that he was holding tightly in his grip. Chelsea was the one person that he didn't wish on losing, especially to some crazy viking who was ready to kill him at any moment. Luis could hear Chelsea gasping for breath, and their speed was drastically slowing. He needed to find a place to hide them, at least for a while. He could tell that this guy had some kind of blood hound instinct, and he could find them easily. Confusing and hiding from him was the only way he could get away.

    "Chelsea, any luck," Luis asked the girl in a loud voice.

    "No, I'm sorry," She cried out, tears falling from her eyes. "Your sister isn't picking up."

    Those weren't the words that Luis wanted to hear at the moment. Alexis was much younger than he was. They had split a while before hand, and he was afraid how she was fairing. He knew that Alexis always had her phone on her, so not answering their calls only meant bad news. It was only a day ago when everything seemed okay. He was in school, laughing with his friends and making plans for the weekend. He even remembered joking around with one of his classmates, Corey. It was the first time he talked with someone outside of his initial group. Now, he, Chelsea, and everyone else he knew were running for their lives. His main focus now was to make sure Chelsea was safe and to see if he can meet up with any of the others.

    "Go there," Chelsea called out, pointing at a building that looked like an old hotel.

    "Are you serious," He questioned her.

    "Well, I'm going this way." Chelsea broke her grip from Luis and ran to the hotel entrance. "Are you coming or not?"

    Luis followed suit. He would follow this woman to the ends of the world, and even Chelsea knew that. That was something that she wanted to change about Luis though; she wanted him to learn how to be a leader and take their relationship forward. She loved him, with all of her heart, but she wanted him to say it first. Yeah, she believed that it was immature, and not appropriate for the situation, but she was the kind of girl who stuck to what she thought, right to the bitter end.

    "The elevator's out!" Luis shouted.

    Chelsea shushed him as she ran through the hall. "Do you want that psychopath to find us. Going upstairs would be stupid; it would only be making it easier for him to get us. Over there!"

    Chelsea felt unbelievably lucky! Halfway through the hallway, she found a door that was left wide open, probably because the person in the room panicked to what happened during the last 24 hours. Luis and Chelsea ran inside, careful to not slam the door and to not have the locks be too noisy. It wouldn't matter though. They only bought themselves, at most, a minute. Chelsea collapsed on the bed; the only sound heard was their heavy breathing and the buzz of the television. She picked up her cellphone and tried calling one of her friends, Ryan. All she got was the young man's answering machine. She swore loudly, and then smiled.

    "Looks like luck is on our side." Chelsea got off the bed and walked over to Luis.

    "Yeah, how do you figure?" Luis didn't feel as optimistic about the situation.

    Chelsea then moved to the sliding glass door. Not may hotels had them, and it was on the first floor too. They opened the door and quickly closed it, hiding to where their killer couldn't see them from the inside. Chelsea's idea seemed to work. They could hear the viking go through the things but he didn't break through the glass. He moved on to the next room, only to be disappointed. There was no time to celebrate this small victory though. Before their heartbeat could calm down, Luis grabbed Chelsea's arm and started to run away from the hotel. At least now they had a chance of surviving.
  11. FuzzyBlueLights Traverse Town Homebody

    Sep 20, 2009
    Owl City
    Lizzy wasn't a runner. Running was for *****es. And though her best friend Jake might be one. Lizzy A. Wellos was not a *****. Jen taught her better then that, ladies do not use such profanity. Well maybe a little, sometimes. She quit the chitter-chatter in her head and felt her little heart give an extra pump when the axe wielding viking was able to cut the metal of the caged door of the batting cages in only a few seconds. "Maybe I need to rethink this.." Maybe running was a good option in times of death's imminence.

    He gulped and was already tugging her behind the turret. Panick on overdrive to the point of being antsy. He couldn't keep still in the little space he had to keep still in. He was making miniature dust storm. Why? Why? Why? Why? Jake slapped his forehead. "Use your balls", old man Faust would say. That old guy had the weirdest sayings. Shaking his loose thoughts away he dug into his pockets and shoved quarter after quarter into the machine. His youthful hands were to shaky to even push anything, the the ******* was no more then three feet away. So, Jake's finger choose every button on the machine that was made for base ball practice. Screaming a high pitched wail as even the courageous Lizzy added her voice to make his solo a duet. Suddenly, Jake panicked even more as he waited for what he expected to be a painful death. When the world went dark he saw a his life flash before his eyes and realized he'd never be able to get the golden breast his brother always talked about. Rose's was his golden breast. His dark world was shaking and Lizzy's voice filtered into his brain.

    "Pay attention you idiot! He's down now so let's get out of here!" And call the cops. Is what she wanted to say, but she'd never say it. At least she'd be able to explain how the man went unconscious. She'd cocked her bat arm to the perfect home run angle and was nearly about to swing when she heard the turret kick up. She knew the sound it was emitting so she stuck to the opposite side of Jake as the Rapid Fire Mode kicked in. First his balls were probably destroyed which led to the obvious, I-must-bend-over-and-hold-them move. She almost laughed because something that normally happened on T.V. was happening in real life. His face was smashed in. But not by one ball, oh no, he had to take four baseballs to the face before he finally crashed over like a cut down tree.

    However little Lizzy was no sucker. So picking up her prized possession. Denty the bat, she held it high and brought it down low. Making sure she heard something crack before her arms stopped swinging downward on her foe. Her young eyes scanned her shirt then his mouth. Yay, no blood this time. The last time blood was everywhere. That was so hard to explain.

    She sunk her small fingers into Jake's arm and together both clambered over the destroyed entrance to the cage after skirting around the battered man, he was twitching slightly if she looked hard enough. It didn't compare to Mr. Jake the Shakes. She surveyed the area and realized they'd played till past closing time. And no one had warned them at all. Of course she didn't dare stop to survey, this was all observed while they ran to the nearest intersection which held what she was looking for. Human drivers from this century and a phonebooth. "Is nine-one-one free? It's free right?!"

    "I don't know?! Why would I know?! I only use the phone in my house! What is this strange box!? AGHHHHHHH!" He was doing his antsy dance again, hurriedly shoving them into the booth and glancing repeatedly back towards the cages and golf course.

    "Then who can we call with no money?! Think ******!" She shook him and in shaking him, she saw that his pupils were acknowledging something. That look he had on his face that told when he had a perverted idea or an idea in general. "What is it?" Though young and green of hair, her voice could pack a terrifying demand.

    He was scared alright, but not of her. More so of the man that was chasing them and still possibly could be. But he gave her what she wanted, the answer she sought. His index finger pointed to a sticker that was plastered on the pay phone, right underneath the numbers.

    All 911 emergency calls are free of charge. Please use them wisely.

    While she read, he dialed. Flagging down the cops when they arrived and sitting back and finally relaxing as grudgingly Lizzy told the story through and through. Forcing both giggling cops to follow them as they continued on with the story. Soon there was no more giggling and the two kids felt more tired then ever. All that lay in the decimated batting cage was a heavy steel sword attached to a set of clothes with that only screamed viking. As did the axe that lay a few inches away. Briefly Jake and Lizzy looked at each other and couldn't help but childishly grin. Corey and Nikki were going to love this story.
  12. ♥♦♣♠∟uxord♥♦♣♠ Banned

    Jul 19, 2007
    Code Vault
    "Running, running, running, running, running, running, running, RUNNING!" thought Chyeze to himself. Here he was running in the city from some deranged lunatic dressed as a viking who was spouting crazed words from his drooling, craggy mouth as it lashed out a sword and ax at the pedestrians they were running by and all he could think about was the tight, little ass bouncing in front of him. Ruby was running ahead of him. "Why can't this moron get the hell out of my life so I don't get killed by this lame old man dressed as a hardcore Halloween enthusiast." she thought.

    So far her actions had probably gotten two people killed. That little Nikki with her bubbly personality didn't come out of the house this man lived in. She didn't see Ryan leaving as well but she didn't check back there when she started running from Chyeze.
    "How hard is to ruin peoples lives without messing with mine?" she screamed in her head. She ran into an intersection with out stopping only to stop dead in front of the headlights of bus. "Ruuuuuuuuuuuuby!" cried out Chyeze. He dashed, lowering his body and pumping his arms back and forth to increase in rigor his speed. He grabbed her, managing to put one hand over her right boob and pulled her out of the street just as the bus blazed on by. He was now on top of her and his mind was melting into perversion. "Oh my sweet, little, jiggly girl, I got the pendant for you just like you asked," he said pulling a golden necklace with a deep green emerald hanging from it as his mind went to how he had obtained this sparkling jewel of wonders.

    He had convinced two of his friends to help him in getting it from the house. It was easy getting Ryan to do it, he just used reverse psychology on him, bantering him by challenging his courage. He had to offer Nikki an opportunity to see his cat to get her to do it. That instantly changed her mood about helping him since he wouldn't let her see it after what happened the last time she was with his cat.

    The house was old and on the edge of the city. He didn't know how Ruby knew about the whereabouts of this piece of jewelry but he threw his worry out mind as he anticipated the night he was going to have after giving it to her. He found it framed against a wall in the building. He had to break the glass to get it and after that he heard a roar of ever increasing volume from above. Ryan and Nikki were somewhere else in the house looking for the pendant but he had to get it to Ruby right away so he could have the longest night of love. To his surprise she was out in the yard waiting for him but she started running as soon as she saw him. It was then that a man with a beard as long as his body jumped down from the second story window and chased after him. The thud of his foot steps could be heard over the clopping of Chyeze's feet on the pavement as he followed Ruby into the city.

    "Gah, get off me you perv!" yelled Ruby. He did so and offered her the pendant but she misinterpreted him because he accidently pressed her boob with his hand. WHAAAACK! echoed her hand and his face as she slapped him. "Stop groping me you son of a..." she sputtered out. Fear grew in her suddenly as she saw the viking jump over the cars in the street and closed in on them. She got up and sprinted away from him.

    Chyeze started his pursuit of her, the emerald dangling from his hand as he ran.
    "But darling I got you what you wanted!" His one chance of getting lucky tonight was leaving him. The viking was gaining on him as he dodged a group of five people standing outside a bar. He looked back and saw the viking plow through them, swinging his ax around, cleaving off their heads. He continued on swinging, throwing blood off his ax and causing it to rain red droplets. They didn't even get a chance to scream. Chyeze looked ahead of him and saw Ruby running into an alley. "Ruuuuby! Wait!"

    "Idiot!" she thought to herself. She ran into this alley in hopes of losing him but he followed her. This was way more than she had wanted. Garbage lined the individual buildings of this alley and rats scurried amongst the filth. She stepped into a puddle from a pot hole as she ran and tripped, scraping her knees on the ground. "What the HELL!" she shouted in anger. Looking up Ruby saw a fire escape. Picking herself back up she started climbing it. Chyeze was now at the base of the ladder and this stupid viking was roaring from the edge of the alley. I can't let my fathers pendant be kept by his old butler who now is some weird psycho. She reached the top of the ladder and looked down at Chyeze.

    "Hey Chyeze! If you want some of this," she yelled spanking her round, taut, ass in front of his ever-growing, perverted, little eyes, "then you'll have to get rid of him!" His eyes were fixated on her butt as it rippled from the punishment her hand had done to it. He looked down. "Must be bout ten feet to the bottom," he said to himself. The viking was just about on them now. He snorted in approval. "Time to prove my loooooooooooove!" he shouted as he jumped from the middle of the ladder onto the man. "Who cares if this doesn't seem realistic that I can take this dude! Who cares if this guy has an ax and sword! Boooooooobs!" he thought. He landed on his back, not even stopping the viking in its tracks, and grabbed onto his beard, holding himself up with a dire grip.

    "Stupid idiot," she thought. Ruby looked down at her feet and saw an empty plant pot. She picked it up and leaned over the edge. Aiming for the two most disgusting people she had ever seen in her life she chucked the pot at them, not caring whoever it hit. She could get someone else to get the pendant if the need arrived. The pot sailed through the air and smashed into the vikings right arm causing him to drop his sword and ax as he felt where it had been hit. "Unaryaaaaaagh!" shouted the viking in pain. It tried to get rid of the first nuisance he had and attempted shake off Chyeze by running around and around. "Eeeyalghswwwweart!" it shouted as it ran head first into a wall. "Geraaah!" exclaimed Chyeze in pain as the viking backed into a wall, crushing him. The viking ran into the middle of the alley, swinging his body back and forth, the hairs of his beard flying around and his arms flailing like a ball on a chain attempting to grab Chyeze. While this form of rampart chaos went on in the alley Ruby saw her chance to escape.
    She continued to ascend the fire escape up to the top of the roof, not even looking back.

    The sword and ax the viking had dropped on the ground started shining brightly.
    "Huah?" grunted the viking in question, stopping his crazy dance to get rid of Chyeze in order to stare at his weapons next to his feet. Chyeze saw what was making the weapons shine. An Aston Martin DB5 was speeding down the alley, crashing into garbage cans and running over rats, gaining speed as it's headlights lit up the face of the viking and Chyeze on his back. "HYAAAAAAH!" they screamed as the car came at them. Chyeze jumped off the viking into the garbage just in time to see the car smash into the viking, carrying the lower half of its body away into the street as the upper half fell to the ground throwing blood everywhere. Chyeze got up and stared at the bloody mass of flesh before him but he quickly remembered what his reward was to be. Glancing up he gasped in surprise as he saw that Ruby wasn't there. "Ruuuuuubyyyyyyy!?" he shouted running to the ladder not seeing the viking blink and spit blood before lifting what was left of his body with the strength of his arms.
  13. Bushy "Don't think. Imagine!"

    May 27, 2008
    On the other side of the internet.
    Right guys!
    Make way for the judging!
    *puts on the white wig* ...Wrong type of judging?
    Okay, but I'm keeping the wig.

    Right. First of all, I want to tell you that this post impressed me compared to what I've seen from you before. so I know that you worked hard on this. I've got a few things to address though.
    You need to utilize the space key after full-stops and commas and such. I am aware of your circumstances, but even basic punctuation rules are required here, so this is just me telling you to keep on trying 'cause I am definitely seeing a vast improvement from your old posts.
    Another thing I'd like to point out is changing the size of the font.
    It's not really a nice thing visually to do to have so many different font sizes. I'd say use a smaller font if you want to show whispering, but other times I personally would advise against it unless you're keeping the entire post in a small font. Essentially, use font size for a reason.
    As for some good points, I loved the characterisation between the two of your characters. It was pretty strong in places, so should you get through the the next rounds. Keep that up. XD
    Also, I want to commend you on being the first to post in season two, so well done there.

    Right, FKB!
    You are making life difficult here... as judges we've been told that we have to write at least 2 paragraphs or so, but with your post. It is extremely difficult to as I really can't fault it all that much.
    I loved the use of humour in this and the setting really worked well despite the extremely odd situation you were given.
    The only thing I would say that might help is try experimenting with colours. I can't fault anything you did, but I have to say if you colourised when characters were speaking (or used bold, or something else perhaps), that would have made things a little more clear for me. But that is personal preference on my part.
    Over all, well done. I can see you in this competition for a long time.

    Britishism my boy!
    First of all, I want to say well done for being honest. Honesty goes a long way, you can rest assured of that.
    Now... I loved the layout of what you posted.
    The paragraphs were nice and everything was fairly neat. Although, I don't know if I like this thing:

    -- ://: --

    It's not needed. If you want to separate anything. A simple paragraph gap using the enter key will do, or if you really want something. Use this:


    Or anything else to that effect. It is simple and to the point.
    Sometimes I found the way you colour coded things to be a bit confusing. But I'm tired as I write this, so that may just be my slow brain.
    Other than that, again, you're making my life difficult in that I can't find much else to say.
    I'll risk repeating myself though and say again that I loved the characterisation in this post. I also like that you've gone with a unique option of Father and Daughter as we didn't see that last season.
    And I loved the way you chose to end things in this post as you truly did address the issue at hand in this challenge.
    So, over all. I think you'll also be someone to contend with.

    Ah Midnight mi'dear. I loved this post for the fact it wasn't long, but it didn't need to be.
    Not that length of a post is a problem when Role-Playing. But I loved the style you employed.
    It got to the point fairly quickly, reached a sense of climax, but then left it with somewhere to go like for if you (like in a normal role-play but not this competition) were going to post again as a follow up. Sometimes people trap themselves by finishing their 'part' early and then having nothing to post until everyone else moves on. So I loved the opening you made for yourself.
    You had a good clear crisp layout and I could always tell which character was which thanks to use of colour, and thanks to the boldness used in the speech parts of text. I could tell really clearly when they were talking and when they were acting as well as who etc.
    You kept true to the challenge and therefore I have to say:
    Well done basically. XD

    I want to use this expression with your post.
    "Long post was long... But awesome!"

    You had some amazing humour and characterisation in this. Like seriously. Wow.
    Everything was clearly set out for the same reasons I said with Midnight's post.
    And... holy cow, you have some unique plans XD
    I was laughing my ass off when I was imagining that viking sliding about everywhere.
    I especially loved the end of how they escaped from the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak.

    You addressed what we required in this challenge and you did it fabulously. I can tell you worked very hard on this post.

    Keep this up and you'll definitely be hard to beat. ;)

    The biggest thing I noticed was the change in past tense to present tense at the end.
    You need to watch out for that, it's an easy fix, but you have to absolutely be careful when writing something to not let your tenses switch unless it is intentional. (although, why it would ever be intentional, I do not know lol) I'm not even sure as to why you changed it at the end unless it was an accident.

    The example:
    EDIT: Nevermind that, I just remembered... S is next to D on the keyboard, so I'm gonna judge that as a typo, and not a change of tense.
    In that case, I will say... proof read. O_O


    Anyway, the layout of this was good and clear. Although, I'd like to suggest as with about that you use a different colour, or at least use bold for speech as it just makes things clearer.
    Ultimately it's not a big deal as that is what speech marks are for of course, but I just prefer it as it is another visual clue and allows me to quickly realise 'oh that person is talking' instead of me having to look back and check for speech marks I may have missed. lol
    I like how you ended it, although I felt I wanted a bit more... I mean.
    They were safe yeah, but other than Kiza saying: "After everything that’s happened today, I can’t wait till we get out of this place.”

    I didn't believe that they had just defied death. I mean, think about it, if you had just been chased by some huge crazy murdering Viking. Wouldn't you be more freaked out too?

    But alas, I did like this post. Well done.

    I feel your pain Marushi. That has happened to me before, but well done for doing it all again and doing a fine job if I do say so myself. XD
    So for that, you get an 'A' for effort.

    First of all... I want to tell you that I love you for using colour for speech! XD
    It made things so clear. I had a breeze reading this.
    You did have a rather big chunk of text in the middle, but I don't think it mattered personally. Some may have split that a little bit, but I think that there wasn't much need really.

    You had some really strong characters too. Sticking to their unique traits perfectly. So I commend you for that.
    You were creative in your approach and you addressed the challenge as was needed.

    ...I just have one problem I spotted.
    You editted your post 2 days or so after making it which is against the rules. That, as has been pointed out is a bad, bad, bad thing. >:L
    Okay. I'm exaggerating slightly. :P
    But it's still a big rule that must be followed in this competition.
    Next time if you are going to edit (although, you shouldn't need to). At least leave a reason in the edit box so we know what you did.

    Other than that, as I said. Well done. XD

    GRAPHICS GET YOU FAR! but not here... XD (sorry, no extra points for those :P)
    Let me begin the critique!

    "KHV-tan is one of the most cutest adorable things I have ever seen!" *coughs again*
    Now that is out of the way.

    *truly begins*

    Yes, she is cute, despite having been unconscious for most of it which is a unique way to have your character played.However... personally, I'd have liked to have seen more of her and cause I didn't get to, I feel saddened.

    Um... this post is actually hard to comment on.
    I can't fault you in terms of grammar or layout or anything like that. As for what was good about this post, well it all was pretty much great.
    But yeah, I must express that you need to be careful. When asked to use both of your characters in a challenge, try to use both of them a good amount. I don't think you utilized KHV-tan enough. :/

    However, you were very creative in your approach and put a lot of effort into this. So well done there.

    Overall, I think you could be a major dark horse in this competition. Just be careful not to limit yourself, or you may find yourself in trouble later.

    As for Tummer, Fuzzy and Ace.
    You guys aren't good enough for my critique!


    Okay, you are. XD
    It's just due to time difference here, I have to get up for uni in a few hours.
    So I promise to edit the rest of you guys in tomorrow once I get home from Uni.
    Until then, I hope everyone can use what I've said.
    I must say, I'm pleasantly surprised to see such strong posts in the first round already. This competition is going to be a tough one to judge.


    The rest of them, I do apologise about the severe delays. Uni and real life are a pain in my ass. :/


    You my friend made a very clear post. I could tell who was talking and when and everything, the paragraphs were all nice, so you get an A+ for the layout.
    You addressed the issues of the challenge and put a lot of work into this post, so I commend you for a job well done. The only thing was a few typos like so:

    Many is most likely what you meant to say.
    At any rate, just try to re-read your stuff before posting. Some times pasting into word can help, but of course, since may is a word that is spelt correctly, you might still miss things. so be careful XD
    Other than that, you were a formidable opponent in the first season, and I see you being tough here too, so keep it up. XD

    Again as with the other critiques.
    Great layout and great use of colour and clearness. You addressed what was set in this challenge and you had very clear and good characters in this as well as creativity.
    You being a former judge realise how hard judging high level stuff is as it doesn't leave you with much to say.
    Considering this is the first round and I'm seeing posts I'd expect to see in the final rounds... Yup, not making things easy for me are ya buddy?
    Anyway. I loved this post and I personally feel that you definitely have a talent and knack for Role-Playing and writing in general. I'd like to see more of you in the RP arena in general.
    I want to see more of you shine in this competition and I believe you can get through a lot of rounds.
    Everyone is setting a high bar and even you, so I'm not even sure how this is gonna go.
    All I can say is keep fighting cause you definitely have a shot.

    Ace! you perverted genius! XD
    Accidental boob squishing earns you bonus points in my eyes! We perverts have to stick togethe-...

    Jokes aside, your post made me laugh very hard as well as keeping me on the edge of my seat.
    It was very creative and I loved the character work you had. It was a interesting way of addressing the challenge and I believe it paid off.

    You had a very clear system in this, the kind a I like.
    One colour for action and then each character gets their own colour for speech. It made it so easy for me to read and you had such clear paragraphs and spacing, well...
    Well done indeed.
    You put effort into this post and it can be seen clearly.
    I look forward to future posts from you should you make it to the next round (which I believe you will)
    ((But of course, I've said that about pretty much everyone since the calibur of posts are so high.))

    Continue working hard and you shall reap the rewards.

    That is that,
    I can say, I'm glad I didn't enter this season.
    Despite making it to the finals last time, I doubt I'd do so again against you guys XD

    You've all really impressed me, I can actually honestly say that you should all consider yourself winners already.
    This competition aims to not just be fun, but overall create an atmosphere to get people posting at their best.
    And these posts were definitely high quality.
    Just remember to take anything you learn here and incorporate it into your actual RPs you are a part of.
    Trust me, after I took part in this competition in the first season, my style of posting changed for RPs in general, and I believe I can say for the better too.

    Keep it up guys. I look forward to the next round!
    (and again, apologies for the severe delays in my critique Tum, Fuzz and Ace. If you want revenge, shoot my Uni Lecturers. XD)

    Oh, and any questions or shizzle regarding my critique or whatever (even how I feel about judge wigs)
    Just drop me a PM/VM or whatever and I'll get back to ya.
  14. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    I'll get the rest of the critiques done when I'm done at work, I swear ;.; I am finally done, days late >.< I hate real life sometimes...

    If anyone wants to talk to me about the critiques, please feel free to PM/VM me.

    Okay, I really liked the effort you put in this, I can see that you do want to compete, but there were quite a few things that bothered me.

    The pacing was a tad rushed, and there were parts I found incredibly unrealistic, for example when the Viking was hitting Alex and Alexis. Unless the sword was the bluntest thing ever, Alex should have lost a limb or two, and Alexis would be very, very dead. And even if it was a blunt sword, the force of a grown, furious man would have broken bones and caused serious concussions, if not worse. You also need to work on characterization, I couldn’t really get a grasp on Alex, and I found Alexis to be an annoying damsel in distress. I’m not saying that you should make her into a super-brilliant Amazonian fighter, and if you intend to make her b*tchy, go for it, just remember to give her depth, and make her contribute into scenes in other ways than to make your heroic male lead look good. I’ll stop my femi-nazi rant now >.<

    Despite the unrealism in the scene, I did find your way of defeating the Viking very creative, and I liked it a lot. I also appreciate that you were able to get so much done in such a short post, which as you can probably see from this, I’m completely incapable of doing. The colors were pleasant enough for the forums default. You show great effort, so please don’t take this as a discouragement, think of them as tools for improvement.

    Good luck ;D

    I really liked your characterization, it was quite strong and clear. You established the relationships with the ‘other’ characters pretty well. Really, my only complaint would have been that you used different colors for the narrations for both characters, or that the tone would have been clearly different. In this case, you practically had to spell out whose point of view we were following.

    Nevertheless, your post was a good one. I found the way you used brains, brawn and cooperation to defeat the mighty Viking Northman great, and this was overall a fun, interesting and pleasant read, which left me yearning for more. Well done!


    Ahem, with that out of the way, let’s get into the proper critique. This almost seemed like a scene out of a full-length novel, which at the same time is a good and bad thing. Good, in that it shows great writing skills, bad in that it may not be enough RP-like. And, yes, I’m aware that saying this makes me the biggest hypocrite ever Dx

    Anyhow, you have some very intriguing, even dark characters. It’s at the point where I’m not sure if I want to root for them, or if I’ll love hating them, but kudos to you for making such a strong impression on me. Also, you separated the narrations perfectly; I probably could’ve been able to say which one was narrating even without names or colors being added to make it easier. I was surprised how violent the resolution was, and how the ending took such a dark turn, although the turtle comment made me snicker. One thing I’ll have to nitpick on, I think you mentioned that Jen was unconscious during the final confrontation with Mr. Scandinavian terror, so I’m a bit puzzled of how she remembered that it was her father who was responsible of his demise. But apart from those few points, and your flub with the rules (thank you for owning up for it, btw), you did a great job.

    PS. Valhallavator? Pure genious, man xD

    Midnight Star
    I liked that the characters barely knew each other to begin with, I found that somewhat unique. I also liked how quickly they clicked, and there was some interesting chemistry going around. And again, you had pretty strong characterization, and I liked their complementing personalities. And as I wrote that last sentence, I immediately thought about them being a bit like Aerith and Zack xDx

    My problem with the post was that it left me a tad under whelmed. There was nothing wrong, per say, but there was that special ‘je ne sais quoi’ missing. I know this next piece of advice is gonna sound like complete BS, but try to find some kinda magic into your writing, find a point you’re trying to get across, make us feel something.

    But overall, it’s a good start, and I’m sure you’ll be able to improve with the future challenges.


    Miss Me Ni Mienai
    You have a fun, quirky writing style that was easy to read. The wax museum setting was a nice twist. You used both of your characters pretty well, and both had distinct personalities. You managed to make the less ‘active’ Nikki still useful, she definitely contributed to the scene. Nice cliffhanger too, if this were an actual RP I could easily see it continued.

    Few minor nitpicks though, I think you used a bit too many colors in the post, try to limit it to one/character, or have the narration the default color (white), and every characters lines in their color. Also, why was a Viking using a Greek goddess as his battle cry?

    master keyblade
    Your characters had a lovely, almost 'frenemy' like rapport going on, and again, both characters contributed to the scene. I found the first paragraph to be a bit clumsy in a way, the writing just didn't flow at that point, so I was incredibly surprised by how engaging the rest was.

    I guess my advice for you is to make sure you have a strong start. That's what gives the first impression to the writing, and in worst case scenarios some people might dismiss the rest, no matter how good the rest is. Fortunately for you, I did read the rest, and I really ended up liking it. The 'hole in the middle of a room' was a bit unrealistic, but it definitely was creative. In the future, continue thinking outside the box, but do remember to keep things in the realm of reality.

    I'm definitely rooting for you, though!

    I'm speechless (errr, typeless? writingless?) This is just perfect! Your characters are amazing, I love the way they interact, I'm practically 'awww'ing at them!

    Minor quibble here, but I thought the green you chose to represent Tatsuo's speech kinda clashed with the overall color, I'd maybe change it to a darker blue if I were you. But seriously, that was the only problem I had with this.

    I hope you can keep this standard up, cause you certainly set the bar high for yourself!

    I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but... This too seems like something out of a novel. And again, like with Britishism's post, it was surprisingly dark and violent, with an odd bit of humor to it. You've created some absolutely odd characters, it's gonna be interesting where you'll take them.

    You're obviously a very good writer, I'd just tone it down from 'best selling novel' to 'kickass role playing post' if I were you, if you get what I'm saying?

    Great job!

    You're a great writer, I could practically feel the tension in the scene. And your characters are very interesting, I always love seeing couples who seem to defy social gender norms.

    However, I don't feel that you dealt with the danger in a satisfactory way. From how I understood it, they practically hid from the killer, and that killer is still a threat that needs to be resolved somehow. In the future, try to stick to the challenges a bit better. But major kudos for you for being the first person not to use a viking as the killer.

    I absolutely adore your snarky tone of writing, and how it's still distinct between the characters without losing the edge. You had me laughing quite often, the whole "Is 911 free or not?" probably being the biggest source of giggles for me. I also really loved this phrase:
    It's probably the music geek in me squeeing, but oh well.

    I have really no real problems with this. You dealt with the challenge appropriately, your writing is great, your characters are great... Yeah, just keep up the good work, and you'll do great!

    Ace Sukebe
    Maybe it's because I'm reading this a 12:30 am after nearly twelve hours of work, but I didn't quite get Ruby's thoughts at the beginning. From the way I understood it, it seems that she regrets that she can't ruin other peoples lives without it disrupting hers. Now, if that's what you're going for, I'm all for it, the more sociopaths we have on board the better, if not, you need to choose your wording a bit better, make things somewhat clearer.

    Chyeze's creepy perv makes for an interesting read, but the repeated accidental boob grab got rather annoying after the second time it happened. It just seems like a cheap laugh to me, and I'd advise to use that kind of physical comedy with discretion. Overall, the overt sexualization kinda bothered me, especially when it happened in Ruby's point of view. I can get when it's from Chyeze's POV, but it's unnecessary otherwise. And the violence was a bit excessive, it seemed so callous in a way.

    It was definitely a interesting way to deal with the danger, to let someones lust make them do such a dangerous thing. You do have a knack for writing, you just have to be careful how you use it, and make it slightly clearer.

    Good luck to you!
  15. Doukuro Chaser

    Jun 29, 2007
    Demon King Amaimon Judges You All;

    Space is key, also a few errors in grammar here and there. Nothing major, and overall it was a decent post.

    The good; When people put two or more characters into one post it can get confusing at times. This is why it is nice color coding them, which you did. Thumbs up there. You met the requirements, mentioning three other characters, not hiding, and facing the viking. Clever way to get him away, too.

    The bad; As stated before, space is key. There also seemed to be some words missing here and there, but it wasn't too bad. Also, since it was an introduction there could have been more of an insight to your characters. There was some, but most of it was on the male, Alex. Alexis looks to him for support, yes. He protects her, etc. But it doesn't say much on her in my opinion, only that he is the big brother type.

    A rather enjoyable post to read with the humor, and not many mistakes.

    The good; You gave build up to what and why everything was happening. Wasn't exactly a killer, but a fun take on things and a good way to stop him.

    The bad; The first paragraph kind of felt like a run on and could have left some things out since the second paragraph covered some of the same things. And Angel's last comment would have probably been better spaced away from the rest.

    Good job owning up to your mistake. Nicely spaced out and everything, though the small font makes it hard to read, especially given the color it is in.

    The good; I love the build up and how you described everything. There was some real emotion and action going on at the same time. The father daughter bond was nice, her worrying for him. Was touching. You also made him slightly mad, as some would get in such a situation. And then went further to explain what happened afterwards instead of just ending it once the viking was stopped. Also nice to see them getting injured instead of escaping without a scratch.

    The bad; Not much to say that is bad. There was the tiny font and the colors. I know I have trouble reading it so others might of as well. Having one or the other would have been better, and not both.

    Got to the point rather quickly without seeming like rushing through it, which was nice.

    The good; Like I said, it got to the point. I believe in rps run on things kind of make things dead (learning from past experiences) so this would really keep any rp moving along.

    The bad; Some missing punctuation, more on the boy's side than anything, and could have used some more detail. But those are really the only bad things I see here, expect maybe adding in a bit more emotion next time.

    A really interesting idea, I liked it. Maybe not entirely new overall, but for this it was original and set a nice tone.

    The good; Good pace, and nice detail. You explain your characters well without losing focus on the main point here and keeps things moving along. I can almost feel their desperation while reading this.

    The bad; I really don't have much to add here. The coloring got slightly confusing to me at times, having that yellowish font randomly there as a narration(?) I would assume. Had to reread some parts as well since it was sometimes a lot there in just one sentence.

    Besides the coloring, it was easy to read. Nicely spaced paragraphs and kept each character separate in the formatting.

    The good; Like said above, it was easy to read. And near the end there was some nice emotion there, and kept it all simple.

    The bad; On the forum default, which is a dark grey, the yellow and grey are very hard to read. And the characters seemed a bit too calm at first, though they did start to panic later.

    Wow, to lose a whole post. Yet you came back strong, nice effort there!

    The good; Points for describing how the viking looked like and giving him some actual lines, very nice touch~ You also showed how much Tatsuo cared for Mao and how Mao was strong and content with who she was. Nice introduction with who they are.

    The bad; The red was really hard to read. Wasn't an actual killer but still a nice touch. Kind of left off weirdly to me too. Nothing else was really wrong with it though.

    Like an old tale, very nice take on it.

    The good; I really liked reading this one. It was detailed and interesting. Kept the pace up and didn't dally on things and went past the defeat of the viking. You even left a possible new beginning at the end, another tale to their adventures and something someone else could use for their post if it were a real role play.

    The bad; Again, red is rather hard to read on the default skin and the size... Maybe a bit graphic considering younger readers may of stumbled upon it, as there are some on the forums. A warning next time is in order.

    Another new and interesting landscape, how nice~

    The good; His drive to keep going on, to protect the girl, is very deep. Also explained their bond well. I think we also got a good insight to their personalities here and it had a nice flow.

    The bad; Again with the red text. Seems to be popular. Maybe most of you have no trouble reading it, but it kills my eyes and I have seen others say stuff about it in the past before. And at the end they merely hid, bringing no end to the chase.

    The good; It had a nice pace and kept things moving along. Showed how your characters interacted with one another rather well and who they were, because one's true self really comes out in stressful situations. I think you did well.

    The bad; The dark blue was near impossible to read. Was rather crude with the cursing and all. Though censored, I still think it may have been a bit much. Like said in one of the other's judgment, there are younger members around. Was also a bit hectic and disorganized.

    Oh, it's like watching an anime~

    The good; Nicely detailed and got into their personalities rather well. Made it clear that she didn't give a damn about him and was just trying to save her own life while he...had other things in mind. An interesting setting and display, and a funny way to end things, or at least with Ruby ditching him.

    The bad; Once more, younger members beware. A warning or something about the whole boob grabbing and such would have been nice. And with the head chopping. Last thing is that I use fragments in my writing all the time and don't see a big deal with them, if used sparingly. There seemed to be way too many here. (Small, sounding incomplete sentences. So many periods broke the flow of the post while reading.)

    If I made anything unclear or if you have any questions feel free to send me a PM or VM.

    Ah~ But for only the first challenge you all did so very well!
  16. Ego Imperium Twilight Town Denizen

    Jul 10, 2009
    I reject your reality, and substitute my own.
    My body is telling me that I am tired right now. I'm putting my vow that the rest of my critiques will be finished and up as soon as I've gotten some rest. For now, here's the ones I've been able to get done. I hope I've given good enough feedback so far.

    There’s not much I have to say right now that hasn’t already been said in regard to your post.

    The spacing is the big issue here, as the other judges have said. Pretty much all punctuation marks need to be followed by a space before the next word begins (your commas, periods, etc.). In addition, for the future, try to space things out between dialogues and thoughts. For example, you have several spots where you’re switching between characters’ dialogues where their words are literally right next to each other, like: “He said” “she said.” Just remember that when a new person is talking is a place to begin a new line in the post. In addition to that, just remember to include quotations, something you forgot to do in a few places.

    Using different colors & fonts for distinguishing between characters and such. But you’ve really overdone it here. There’s really no need to change fonts and colors for single words, and on the whole it’s unnecessary to have as many different colors as you’ve got in the post. For the most part, it’s not worth having that sort of formatting in this case, as spacing can always take care of everything there.

    For the most part, that’s as far as it goes as far as actual mechanical mistakes. Overall, I see a strong effort into the post. There are good speaking parts in the post. However, some big parts of RPing are action and introspective for the characters. The actions and thoughts/feelings of your characters are certainly points to work on in the future when and where possible.

    Again, as I said before, there was definitely effort in the post. All I would say you really need to do is take more time with it when you can. Kee your drive and you’ll get there eventually.

    Mechanically, and from a presentation standpoint, the post is quite strong. There only a few minor things that standout as being problematic in any sort of way. The first of those things is the lengthy paragraphs. It’s not to say that a long post is a bad thing; but your paragraphs, to me at least, seem to have the beginnings of a “wall of text” look and feel, which make a post a bit frustrating to focus on and read through. There is at least one spot I know of off the bat where a new paragraph could have been started to a good effect: Where Andrew thinks ‘yikes’ would make for a good start to a new paragraph, and help to avoid creating such a wall of text sort of post.

    Something I think you did very well was explaining the history behind the events that preceded the chase scene. However, on that same note, I feel that you put a bit too much effort into the why of it explaining that history. As a result, your explanation of the events of the chase in the present moment seemed to suffer to a similar extent. That is to say, the chase scene could have been a bit more elaborate in terms of what might have happened along the way (i.e. any obstructions the characters might have run into along the way). But overall, it was a good post, and an enjoyable read.


    Despite that you effectively interacted with a character of another person (which is of course, against the rules), you’ve put out a very strong post. As stated previously by my fellow judges, you do have a bit more of a novel writing sort of approach to it, but on the whole it works. Also, of course, the markings you used to split the post aren’t entirely necessary, as an extra space between the paragraphs. And actually, on my read through of it, they gave the piece a fragmented feel, like I was being sent through different, albeit related scenes, as opposed to just one solid flow of events. Not that it’s particularly bad (in fact you made it work), but it certainly affected the fluidity, and it’s something that might not work for all readers.

    One thing that I think you could have actually done without was the final paragraph of Jen in the hospital. While the rest of the post is divided up, the pieces are still linked with the common events. The last paragraph doesn’t seem to fit entirely into that. It’s sort of like you’re starting something different, like starting a new chapter in the story, but that that chapter is really just a short bit of follow up. It just seems to me that it would have been better off if it was the beginning of another post entirely, or it’s own post entirely.

    In conclusion though, your writing is very strong, and your story telling mature. Valhallavator was indeed a clever word and worth a merit of humor and witty wordplay. You displayed a very fine attention to detail, and a good balance between dialogue and the actions of your characters (actions of course being rather key in a situation like this one. Good work.

    Midnight Star
    There’s plenty of good stuff in this post. Your color schemes worked well, being visible, but not terribly overbearing. Though, after a while of reading, the teal coloring can get pretty painful to the eyes. Not really bad, but try to find the softer colors anyways. The paragraphs are spaced out well so it doesn’t look very clumped and annoying to read through. An interesting choice you made compared to some others is that of not having your characters fight, but rather choose to flee..

    The one thing I can really point out about it that’s not really hitting (from where I’m standing) is Iona’s presence. It would have been good to see her get a little more written out as far as her fleeing the Viking with Ryan.

    Miss Me Ni Mienai
    An interesting take on the situation, to say the very least, and certainly with its spark of originality. It does a good job with setting the environment of the event, and has a unique flare in that effect. Though it was certainly made for the sake of a horror sort of display, you also did a fair job putting a bit of a comedic twist (albeit darkly so), with the Viking’s lack of balance and control running into the wall. Your color-coding choices worked well against the forum skin without being hard on the eyes. The paragraphs were spaced well, and at that, done so consistently.

    There are really only two things that I can majorly call out from the post. The first is to do with your color-coding. It would be best to avoid switching between colors too quickly. If you’ve got a paragraph that covers all of your characters, then just leave the color at the joint coloring (in your case, the off white color). The other is more of writing thing. In your first paragraph for Nikki, the use of the ‘huffs’ and ‘wheeze’ and the like comes off as bit shaky from a writing standpoint. A more mechanically stable way to indicate her shortness of breath might have been to use ellipsis (…) or dashes between her words, and then, as you did, explain that she was out of breath after the fact.

    master of keyblades
    So I’ll start wit the not so good things here. On a not so serious note, there are a few errors in the writing. Namely, there was a minor spelling error in saying “closet room” rather than “closest room.” A bit more serious of an ‘error’ is in your second paragraph, with “pulling him away from the wall as best as she could.” At that spot, the wording is just a bit awkward, and diminishes a bit from the overall flow of the post. Your coloring to the text works for the default skin, though the dark gray works less well.

    It seems that you really rushed the events of the Viking chase with your post too; it didn’t really seem to be given the time to develop and build in tension, and seemed over before a lot happened. To that effect, it seemed like it wasn’t really all that important an event, just some random aside that might not have fit into a larger scheme of events as much more than random instance.

    Otherwise, it was a good bit of work. The spacing was, of course, done well in typical RP/writing manner.

    The first and clearest thing that I’m seeing as a bit of a problem you’re your post is the spacing. Your paragraphs, the last two specifically, are overbearingly long, making them essential wall-of-text, which get bothersome to read through. Clear spaces to put space between paragraphs/text blocks are when a new person begins speaking. Otherwise, you’d do well to space out different paragraphs on the basis of where things seem to transition. For example, when you have “Laughing, the freak reached out and punched him,” would be an excellent point to have a separate paragraph, as it takes account for a different character.

    Outside of spacing issues, you did a good job with the post. The events were paced relatively well, and the conflict with the Viking was achieved with a fair amount of build up. In terms of presentation, you chose some pretty good working colors; the only one that really didn’t go over too well was the red, which was sort of hard to read, though less so since it wasn’t very prevalent in the post.

    The majority of your post gives a strong showing. There’s a lot of energy present within it. I could really see Faust’s cutthroat personality filtering through in his actions, and you also did reasonably well in keeping him true to his age; the character just felt very alive within the post. You made an interesting and seriously unique choice giving it less of a horror flick sort of scene with the Viking, and more of an action-adventure, like Pirates of the Caribbean in some ways, with the nautical setting. Visually, the world itself came alive as much so as the character did, even though you didn’t spend much time describing it.

    The things that I would like to point out though that detracted somewhat from the post were a lack of presence for your second character, and the four day time lapse. Your second character doesn’t seem to slide well into the formula. She just sort of appears first as a caged creature of some sort, and it seems she just magically gets into Faust’s pocket without any real how or why. And her presence is a bit too minimal; you could have at least outline their first conversation, maybe explaining when KHV-tan stowed away on Faust’s person. As for the time lapse, I feel that it doesn’t really work for the post as something that would be seen in an RP is all, since in most RP settings, doing so would result, likely, into a full RP time skip, which generally isn’t very friendly to do to people (unless it was planned for).

    There’s really not much I can think of to point out about this post. It is pretty solid on the whole. What I find interesting about it is that the Viking doesn’t actually have a lot of “screen time” so to speak. Yet in the long run, this works wonders for the post regardless. The sense of urgency is there with a ‘no looking’ back attitude displayed in the characters. The largely unseen presence of the Viking makes for a pretty edgy atmosphere, and very creative post.

    I’ve said it many times today, but your post is presented very well. Spacing is organized and consistent. I notice that you’ve chosen to minimize the use of alternative colors, which is a different, but good call, as it means that the majority of the post will default to something that can be read on all forum skins. The only thing I’d have avoided was the red and pink colors for the dialogue, as those could get hard to read. It’s not too bad though, since it’s very minimal.

    It’s a more than decent presentation, and certainly an entertaining one. Your spacing was smooth and organized between paragraphs. For the most part, your choices in color-coding were considerate, though maybe a bit loud. The blue color isn’t the best choice as far as color. Against the darker skins, it’s pretty much blotted out by the background that it’s posted against and all but impossible to read without highlighting.

    I can’t say that it was necessarily bad, but it was certainly different as to how you chose to place and pace the events of the chase. Placing the event at its tail end worked, mostly because it was pretty easy to infer from the rest of the post how the chase itself had gone before reaching the end. The placement of your post in the chain of events actually gave it a lighter, more relieved feel, as opposed to one of tension and fear. I’ve said it to a few others, and I’ll say it to you too, the ending of your post some dilutes from its possible value in an RP, mainly because it skips a rather large increment of time which could adversely effect things.

    Ace Sukebe
    Alright. There’s definitely a large amount of effort in this post, and it certainly goes through a lot from beginning to end. I can see a reason to despise both characters; Chyeze for his apparent sole interest in impressing the girl, and Ruby for her apparent selfishness for the material (as displayed in the post of course). The inborn tensions between the two, and their inevitable arguing make them pretty interesting to read. I can definitely see an interesting weaving of betrayals made between the two.

    Unfortunately there are some things that need to be called out in terms of presentation and post content. Spacing was a slight issue. Writing-wise, it generally looks more professional to use switching between character dialogues as a point of changing paragraph (and I base this comment on the way I see books written). Your color choices were OK, being a little on the dark side against the default skin (which is black in color).

    Also, I feel the value of your cliffhanger at the end (with the Viking pulling himself up) is lessened by the fact that he is, apparently only half a body, and certainly can’t do much harm. It just doesn’t make sense to tear a person in half and have them pull up like they’re going to do something big when they should obviously just drop dead. It would have been better to just leave the guy dead and end the post like that.
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