Role Play Idol [Season Two] Challenge #2

Discussion in 'RP Idol Archive' started by Jayn, Oct 17, 2011.

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  1. Jayn

    Sep 30, 2007
    Short and Sweet


    Sadly, Tummer and Master of Keyblades left us last round. Good job to them, though. It was really tough.

    Your judges for Season Two will be the Bushy Brow, Ego Imperium, Amaimon and ~Ryan~.

    For any of you concerned with biased or unfair judging, SOME of my rules and regulations for them specifically can be found in the spoiler tag. Any unfair treatment will result in the forced resignation of said judge, no exceptions. They've all agreed to the below.

    Being a judge in itself can sound pretty liberating. But it's really not all fun and games. I have quite a few things to let you guys know, but we'll keep it as simple as possible for now. Obviously, this group was made for a reason. To share information and discuss things together between ourselves. You four are the judges. Keep in mind this makes your opinions influence the other members, and also puts you in a position of responsibility.

    You are to be f a i r. When you judge others posts, it has nothing to do with who they are, or if you like them, their literacy, if you've seen them before, how often they role play, blah. I mean, when you really judge them, it's unbiased.

    You are to be h u m b l e. Being in any kind of position of power might boost your ego more so than it may already be boosted. Just make sure you realize we're all just members here. Respect each other. It is important not to discourage anyone, or make them feel like they're unimportant, unworthy, or anything negative. Please use caution and think before you hit 'submit'.

    You are to be be l a w f u l. The next thing I'll cover are some basic guidelines. Rather, areas you'll actually be judging. [...CONT'D ELSEWHERE]

    The Challenge

    This challenge is pretty simple, lol. Short and sweet. Concise and to the point. Get your point across in a short post, basically.

    2 full paragraphs max.

    You only have to use one of your characters, though you can use both if you wish. Chose wisely.

    The scenario (-Thanks Bushy. <3):

    Your character is jumping out of an airplane. No powers, no weapons. They have a parachute. The reason they're jumping out of it up to you, where they land is up to you. Be creative, but concise.

    Rules or restrictions for this Challenge.

    ♣ No interacting with any one else's character.

    ♣ You may not die.

    ♣ Remember that this is a competition. Try your best to impress me, and the judges. If you're not trying, it will be evident.

    ♣ Posts count, so be relevant. Please don't spam questions in this thread about this challenge, contact me personally.

    ♣ You have until OCTOBER 20TH, 2011 to post. Preferably before then, because we want as much time as possible for the judging process. <: If you do not make that deadline, you are disqualified.

    ♣ Be creative and have fun! It is a competition, but it's also about being creative, original and letting loose.

    ♣ Graphics are okay to use if you want them. But I'm not making them for anyone in this competition. If you use them, you're not scoring any extra points with the judges. I've made it clear that graphics does not equal superior.

    ♣ Post your posts in this thread, below my post.

    ♣ No powers or weapons.

    ♣ Once you submit, that's your post. You can edit spelling errors and such, but please don't add more on. Only because it would be unfair to post, compare to everyone else's post and edit more in based off of what other people post.

    ♣ If you edit your post, leave a reason why.

    Members who have yet to post...

    P - Faust [m] + KHV-tan [f]

    Britishism - Tobias [m] + Jen [f]

    Terra254 - Alex [m]+ Alexis [f] Resigned.

    Marushi - Mao [f] + Tatsuo [m]

    Midnight Star - Iona [f] + Ryan [m]

    Ace the Sticky Man - Chyeze [m] + Ruby [f]

    Maka - Nikki [f] + Corey [m]

    Firekeyblade - Angel [f] + Andrew [m]

    FuzzyBlueLights - Jake [m] + Lizzy [f]

    Happy role playing. :]
  2. Firekeyblade Hollow Bastion Committee

    May 26, 2007
    Time was ticking. Angel stared frozen and wide eyed at the moving landscape below her. She could see the patchwork that made up the farmland and some houses. There was plenty of space, hardly any trees, so there would be no problem. Except it was so very high up. Come on. Just go. Just jump. You're fine. You have a parachute. It's fine. It's easy to use. Just pull. But not right now! Angel's heart was pounding and her lungs were working double time, despite not doing any aerobic activity. Though she didn't want to admit it, she was afraid of heights. Just a bit. "Hey! What're you waiting for?! YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE!" shouted the guide. "Uh....right, I'm s-sorry..." replied Angel meekly. She blushed in embarrassment. If only she hadn't decided to gamble a bit and lost that bet her friends. All right, come on. You can do this. Just...JUMP! Thought Angel as she closed her eyes and jumped off of the plane before opening them again quickly. Suddenly she was freefalling, and lost in the exhilaration of the jump and the current fall. It's not so bad once you get over it....wait what did the instructor say after jumping? Oh crap! I forgot to count! Immediately the panic set back in again before subsiding as Angel inwardly shrugged and started counting then. What's a few seconds lost, right? Hahahaha....nothing! It shouldn't matter....hahahaha.... As she was counting mentally, she started to grow a little nervous as the ground started to get closer and closer. SCREW COUNTING! I'M LETTING THIS BABY LOOSE! Angel thought as she determinedly yanked the cord that allowed her parachute to bloom out, tugging her harshly back up a small distance. While she drifted down slowly to the ground, relief flowed through her as she knew her ordeal was finally over. This was supposed to be a birthday present from friends, but she had not wanted to go skydiving. Who the heck wanted to? However, since her friends had already reserved a day, they bet that Angel couldn't bring herself to let them waste money on her. Which was true. Yay. Money well spent. Woo.
  3. P Banned

    Oct 5, 2007
    New Zealand
    Fields and oceans flew by in the blink of an eye as the blue-haired girl flew the Sopwith Camel around and around. It swooped low to fly over the sea, engines roaring furiously. She giggled as the fish darted away from the incoming plane, thoroughly confused. But there were other things to see! She ascended, and circled the location. At first her eyes were tightly fixed to the steering wheel, her eyes glued to the controls. Mustering up her courage, she peaked over the side. Below her, everything was laid out, from the ramshackle house and the old man sitting on the porch to the goldfish pond. Feeling giddy, she squeezed her eyes tight and fell back into her seat padded with a corner of tablecloth, terrified and exhilarated. Faust twiddled the controller for the toy and watched her squeal. He'd bought it at the two-dollar shop on a whim. He didn't usually buy things, let alone for others, so her face lit up when he'd presented it to her. "Be very careful. This is a family heirloom." he told her gravely. She'd nodded very seriously at that, and declared with her fist on her chest, "I'll be sure not to damage it!"

    When faced with such a steadfast and true promise, how could Faust resist? He licked his lips, and turned off the controller. The results were immediate. The plane stalled fifty feet in the air, and quickly spiralled into a nosedive. KHV-tan squealed as the plane dropped and the ground rushed up to meet her. In the back of her head, she recalled her promsie to Faust. What had happened? Why did the engine stop? Would the plane survive? She had so many questions, but NO TIME. She grabbed the cover of the seat and leapt out of the open cockpit, holding it above her. Predictably, it did nothing, and she continued to fall towards the ground. For the second time that day, she clenched her eyes shut. Then the wind caught the cloth. She had a brief moment to gasp, "wha-?" before hitting the water, giving the fish yet another shock. She surfaced to see Faust on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably over the plastic wreck. "My grandfather's plane!" he cried out in anguish. Guilt-wracked and soaked to the bone, KHV-tan floated in the grime-coated pool, wishing she could sink to the bottom and die. Faust looked at the heartbroken girl in the pond out of the corner of his eye, allowed a satisfied smirk to creep through his façade of crocodile tears and whispered to himself, "Just as planned."
  4. Maka Albarn It's called love

    May 7, 2008
    Fairy Tail

    “Move along, kid.â€

    Nikki took in a sharp breath as she felt the cold barrel of the gun press against her back. She took a few steps forward, just as directed, before she was stopped in front of a large sliding door. She could feel the airplane’s engine hum under her feet as she felt the goon’s body guards fit her with a parachute, telling her to hold still. To think today she was going to spend time with Corey and eat pockey, play Kingdom Hearts II and see who could get farther with beating Sephiroth, maybe hit the costume store so she could get a costume for him for Halloween and chillax at Dairy Queen afterwards since he was being so antisocial and angsty lately because of his control freak dad. But nuuu, all of that had to change when she was walking to his house and then some maniac driving a red Honda Civic swerved to her side of the curb and then she was shoved in the backseat with a gun pointed to her head. As it turned out, Corey was kidnapped as well. But he was off the hook while Nikki had to do all the work to save both of their butts by doing what their kidnappers told her to do. ‘Why does he have to be the son of rich geniuses?’ she asked herself over and over again. ‘Just why?’ The straps were suddenly tightened around her waist and shoulders without warning, making her squeak.

    “Alright kid,†the thug with the gun began in a slight Brooklyn accent. “Since we can’t trust the little rich boy to do it, you’re gonna hafta jump outta this here plane, land on his old gizzard’s company’s roof, go through the roof door, and let us in the back. Any questions?â€

    Nikki raised an eyebrow, not really seeing the logic in this plan. Were these guys completely nuts?! Didn’t he know there was a bunch of security and stuff?!

    But there was something else pressing on her mind.

    “Can I go to the bathroom first?â€

    The thug just only smirked at naïve Nikki before the huge sliding door was suddenly pulled opened. Nikki spun around just in time to see the city lights far below them before she felt hands go on her shoulders and was then pushed towards the edge of the opening. “YOU GUYS ARE INSANE!†she yelled over the roar of the wind. “DO YOU HEAR ME?! NUTS! MIXED NUTS!†But they didn’t hear her after all and she was shoved into the open air. She didn’t know if she was shrieking like a maniac or not, but she knew if she wasn’t so scared she would probably puke her guts out of sheer fright. Or maybe relieve her bladder in her floundering flight. Either one. Nikki saw the city lights coming closer to her fast and she quickly fumbled across her chest to find the ripcord as the wind screamed in her ears. “OMIGOSH! OMIGOSH!†Her shaky fingers grasped something and she quickly made the connection in her short circuiting brain and yanked on it, hard. The wind was knocked out of her as soon as she felt the parachute tug against her diaphragm and she fell limp, breathing heavily when she realized she was gently beginning to float down to the kidnapper’s desired target. She’d have to go through with this. Although they seemed completely stupid, they were smart and attached a tracking device to her ankle that she couldn’t take off.

    “Corey,†she whispered to the wind, grasping the parachute handles as she descended, “you so owe me that ne hundred and twenty-two dollar panda hat after we get out of this mess…â€
  5. Midnight Star Master of Physics

    Jun 7, 2009
    As the plane door was forced open, the compartment filled with the roaring sound of the wind. Iona got up without a moment’s hesitation and moved to the door. She was determined to show no fear, though as she saw how high they were she had to remind herself why she was doing this. She was proving a point to herself, if no one else, that she could do this. She seemed so out of place here; the quiet little girl among big masculine men twice her size, going on a survival challenge in the middle of nowhere. She was determined to show she could do this and no silly parachute drop was going to stop her. Already she’d seen grown men cry, she would show them. She took a deep breath and leapt.

    Her long hair whipped out behind her and instantly she was speeding through the air, the plane already disappearing above her. Adrenaline pumped through her veins, pure exhilaration filled her body. She felt so free and out of control, hurtling towards the ground at incredible speeds yet she loved it. She’d paid attention to the safety briefing but that was at the back of her mind, she was almost disappointed that she had to pull the chord to break her free fall. Though when she was supposed to, she pulled the chord…it did not budge. Automatically her mind went into panic, almost consumed by the ground she would hit at great speed if she didn’t open the parachute soon. She forced herself to calm and tugged at it again harder, still nothing. Desperate now, she yanked it with all of her might and to her massive relief she felt herself jerk as she decelerated. As she navigated her way down to the ground she was certain after that fiasco she could take on whatever else this challenge threw at her.
  6. Lauriam I hope I didn't keep you waiting...

    Jun 4, 2009
    Nonbinary She/He
    Daybreak Town
    OOC: I have the tendancy to write a novel when trying to write a paragraph, so you're all just getting the last paragraph. lol, if you want to read the whole thing, I posted it as a VM on my profle.

    Tatsuo stood behind a lady who had been hyperventilating earlier. Now she just looked like she was in shock. He felt sorry for her, she looked scared to death. Why did I just use that expression? he thought. Scared to death? I mean, come on! A flight attendant handed him a parachute and silently told him how to use it. She looked sorry for him, too. And why not? I’m a victim in this crazy parade. I swear, sometimes I think I don’t live in the real world; I must be in some kind of story or something. The flight attendants led the group to an isolated area of the plane and then left them alone. Tatsuo felt the plane nosedive and everyone began to fall over each other, they couldn’t stand up. Sitting with a thud, Tatsuo tried to crawl to the wall, and then the plane leveled out. The pilot had gone lower. To give them a chance of actually surviving? Maybe.Tatsuo didn’t know. Suddenly, the door opened and everyone crowded as far away from the door as possible. The voice of the terrorist came over the intercom. “All you lucky people who get to help me convince the airlines to do what I say had better start hoppin’, pretty soon we’ll be over the pacific and I’m sure you don’t wanna get all wet.” Tatsuo was frozen in place. He couldn’t move, there was no way he was jumping out of this plane. But then he remembered Mao, who was waiting on the ground. If he ever wanted to see her again, he would just have to brave it out. Well, here’s to hoping I don’t go splat. taking a deep breath, He stood shakily to his feet and ran for the door.

    He was flying. The air was rushing at him and he couldn’t even breathe. Wait, he could breathe, he had just forgotten how. Silently, he started to count to ten. When he reached the last number, he pulled the cord and the chute came out. It caught in the air and he looked around, gently falling to the ground. The view was beautiful, he could see for miles, and even though he wasn’t sure what part of the country he was over, he realized that he was glad he had been forced to jump from the plane. That nightmare was over and he was headed home. Mao, I’m on my way.
  7. FuzzyBlueLights Traverse Town Homebody

    Sep 20, 2009
    Owl City
    ((OOC: I started playing Owl City's Skydiver.))

    Flying. High in the sky, above millions of people, breaking hundreds of clouds as they soared through above beautiful Honolulu, Hawaii. The trip was average, at least to Jake it was. He and Lizzy were invited by his eccentric must-see-the-world aunt to come to Hawaii. One plane trip there and back and it'd be fun all along the way. But a plan. With no one in it but a private instructor, himself, Lizzy and a pilot. Was not the way he thought this thing would work. He was feeling a furious thumping where his heart should be. He felt his forehead but was halted by gloves and a helmet. Why, heavens why?! He tried to look up but they were in the heavens weren't they? Breifly he thought he should wave to his grandmother but decided against it. He swallowed hard and somehow found that a female presence was near him and guiding him towards the entrance that allow him to enter the great blue sky and the solid ground beneath. No. Way.

    He hadn't been this nervous since he touched a girl with the intent of touching her. Suddenly that presence beside him stopped him just short of the miniscul image of Honolulu and he swallowed again. He could see, dispite looking down at the horrifying ground the entire time, that the presence was green of hair. However that was payed no mind as the young voice in it let him know that there were girls down there. Beautiful girls down there. Vacationing girls from all over the world. From Russia to Britian, even from home. And not to mention the wonderful girls from back home. "Why didn't you say so?" Why didn't I think of that? Was his own reply. To get to the girls of Hawaii were his main operative here. "Thank you green..goddess..woman...thin-!?!?!?!" The green being pushed him! She pushed him! Abruptly too, he was free falling fast and all his young mind could compute was who in their right minds would push a child like that. It only took a few minutes after he naturally, accidently, righted himself and could hear the excited yelps above his own screech; that he began to understand only Lizzy would push him. "LLLLLIIIIIIIZZZZZZYYYY!!!!" And of course, that cry was met with a giggle.
  8. Britishism Gummi Ship Junkie

    Jun 4, 2011
    Radio Free Wasteland
    She used to wonder what clouds felt like. She used to be scared of heights. She used to have dreams where she was falling, falling, falling. Yet, the sky was always beautiful to her. Almost like an ocean, so far above her. A goal she couldn't reach. But she wasn't one to give up easily.

    What a vacation. It was impossible to tell just how fast they were going. Tobias seemed to be piloting perfectly, a hidden talent Jen never expected her father to possess. God, this is unreal. Mindblowing, really. But despite the beauty, the girl was trembling. She accepted the dare, she took the challenge. They were just kids, just something she joked about. Her friend had dared her, if she ever had to chance, to skydive. The friend had always wanted to fly. In a wheelchair since birth, it was all he wanted to feel. Obsessed with the sky. So she promised, she'd do it for him. A pact that could never be broken. And one she would regret.

    What a vacation. It was impossible to tell just how fast she was falling. The ground was flying closer, closer, then far too close. As the trees began to thicken around her, she realized the absolute intensity of what she was doing. The second she pulls the cord, she'll cheat death. Break the boundaries of human ability. And it made her happy. Happy for her friend, and happy for herself. So she pulled the cord. Floating gently onto the ground amidst the forest, she turned her head to the plane above, which was diving down to pick her up. She had flown. She had felt the clouds. What had been a nightmare for her, what had been a dream for him, it was no longer imaginary. It was real.
  9. ♥♦♣♠∟uxord♥♦♣♠ Banned

    Jul 19, 2007
    Code Vault
    "Nothing really matters," sang Mercury into his ears. Chyeze started to wake from his sleep with his headphones stuck in his ears. He sat up blinking his eyes, trying to remember where he was. "Oh yeah, Ruby's family's jet," he thought, "I should repay her back for this. I didn't even get that pendant back for her." He laid back down, cradling his head in his hands, and closed his eyes just the song was ending. The tam-tam ended the song just as the engines stopped humming. Disturbed Chyeze sat up and looked out the window and saw the left propeller was slowing down. In a panic he got up and ran to the cockpit just as "The 13th Dilemma" started. "Ladies," he cried out, smiling though as he remembered them. Two wonderful women that he couldn't help but stare at as they told him the safety measures before they left. He pulled back the curtain separating his area and the cockpit. His eyes grew as he saw instead of two busty women flying a plane two empty seats. Not what he wanted. Realizing the dilemma he was in Chyeze turned around. Trying to remember anything they said about safety he ran to the back of the plane. There just happened to be a parachute next to the door. How lucky. He hastily put on the parachute securing it around his chest and groin then put his hands on the emergency door and pushed to open it. The door ejected and a rush of air blasted into the plane. Chyeze backed up and fell down, smashing his iPod causing the song to change to the "Indiana Jones theme." "Oh how fitting," he said to himself glaring at his only escape. He picked himself up and charged at door. Jumping out he cried the only thing that came to his mind. "Dun dun dun duuuuunnnn, dun dun duuuuun." He was out of the plane, wind rushing past his face, whipping his hair around as if he were filled with ultimate power. His hat flew off his head as he watched the plane continue its crash course into a jungle.

    The images of what had happened to him just minutes ago ran threw his mind. "What the hell!" he thought, "that wasn't my whole life!" He pulled the cord above his right hand and out popped a note tied to a string from a flap on the front. It read: "Hello Chyeze. Hope you enjoy your vacation. Stay out of my life. Ruby." Flabbergasted he read it again. This wasn't a vacation, it was a funeral for him! His mind began to rush. "I'm falling fast now. About 120 miles per hour," he estimated from the knowledge he acquired from school. "Not much a person could do when they are free falling with nothing to stop them but the ground,." Then he remembered something. Every parachute had a back up. He felt around and found another cord on the left side. Chyeze pulled it and a parachute flew out and halted his descent. Chyeze grunted as it pulled on him despite the luck that the emergency chute hadn't been removed. He watched the ground below him taking in the land around him. Trees to his right, some water to his left. Chyeze landed on his feet but wasn't able to hold himself up and fell. Struggling up from under the parachute he pulled it off him and looked around. A bunch of Asians were coming to him in awe and wonder. Chyeze looked down on the trampled rice he was on. "Oh great, China," he said with a sarcastic note in his voice. The song changed to "I Believe I can Fly."
  10. Doukuro Chaser

    Jun 29, 2007
    I feel as if the fast paced writing style works well here to show Angel's uncertainty and nervousness. Gave a reason as to why she was there and kept it with the theme, short and sweet. The length was good, though I think if you separated it into two different paragraphs it would have been better. Like in the first one was simply preparing for the jump and the second being the actual jump and fall. I feel as if that would have made it more organized. That aside, I think there was some nice detail in this post and decent emotion soon. Though the 'woo' at the end feels forced. Might have been better without it or maybe an ! mark instead of a period.

    I had to reread some parts, but this could be only because I am not the sharpest tool in the box. However, it was very detailed and flowed nicely. It had a fun twist and some cruel humor on Faust's side, rather amusing. Another one that fit the theme as well; short and sweet. Had a very carefree and fun tone to it, despite her crash; a nice change from the last challenge. I think that shows how you can switch from darker themes to lighter ones very well and such a thing is needed in some rps as having just one tone to it throughout the entire thing gets rather dull and boring. And when I got everything down and read through it a final time I could picture everything vividly. The color theme really helped with that and set the tone. It was also all very creative and original.

    The formatting is as nice as always. Nicely spaced out, well picked colors, and so on. Only real problem was the font size. Other than that I just loved the detail you gave here and it had such a creative reason as to why she was jumping from the plane. I just love your writing style as well and it really personalizes it, giving the character a voice even. Because when I read it I can hear her screams and the thug's demands. Nice touch of humor in such an otherwise dire situation. Also very clear and nice cliffhanger.

    The bravest and most willing one so far, which is nice not to have to read another scared one despite her still being nervous. Also first one to have the chute not work right away, giving panic to both the character and reader. I also liked how there was more to the actual jump as it seemed like the others focused more so on what lead up to it, though all of their posts were still good. My only problem is how there is no dialogue, even thoughts. It is good in some ways, though I think it would have been nicer if we got more insight on how she was feeling besides your words. Overall it was still a nice post.

    I feel it as a little cheap to have written more and only submit a part of it. However, I will be judging only what was presented. There are a few capitalization and punctuation errors here and there, though not too much so to break the flow of reading it. The colors and font looked nice on the forum as well. There's nice detail and the part about that scared woman was a nice touch. Also an interesting take as to why he was jumping. And in the last sentence you gave his reason for acting brave and showed how much he cared for the other character, Mao. I think it is nice that you continue to show their strong bond.

    You gave good imagery here and nice detail. Pretty entertaining with the push. Though despite the good imagery used some parts didn't feel as if they belonged, like it would have better as a whole without them. His motivation being the women there was also amusing, and down to earth for a normal human to have such intentions. So it was a nice reason for him being there besides just his family taking him. And then just to have Lizzy laugh at him was a nice way to end it.

    Mentioning the kid in the wheelchair as her reason for doing this was a really sweet add there, showing how kind she was to be facing down her fear for the good of someone else. There was vivid detail as well and the repeating of 'what a vacation' fit rather well. Rather hard to find something I disliked here. Small font is always hard for me to read but it seems to be your thing... Perhaps a few unneeded words here and there and fragments.

    I think it was cool how you mentioned the last challenge in this one, a subtle but nice touch. The songs changes also helps with the tone and feel of the post and show a passage of time, giving the true feeling of a rush and actions. And Ruby is just wicked, I love it. He sent him to his death. If it wasn't for that it would have seemed very odd for him to be on her jet. I think it could have used a bit more detail in fewer sentences though, as most of it seemed as just a means to add more words.

    Everyone had a different take on the challenge and each post brought something new to the table. It was fun reading every single post and feeling your characters emotions. The only problem it seemed that most of you had was keeping things to the challenge, which was short and sweet. Still, all decent posts nonetheless!
  11. Ego Imperium Twilight Town Denizen

    Jul 10, 2009
    I reject your reality, and substitute my own.
    At my first read through of your post, it felt like you had compressed a lot into the short span allotted by the challenge; that you might have overflowed it. But I read it a second time and realized that the job was better done than that. Part of the reason for the initial impression though was the use of a single paragraph. To echo my colleague’s sentiments, you could have gotten away with separating it into two different paragraphs depicting Angel’s perceptions and initial thoughts and the actual process and thoughts of having jumped from the plane. I’d say that the line for the guide could have also been kept on it’s own without being too much of a deviation from the challenge.

    There were positive things all around. Outside of having compressed things into one paragraph, you stayed well within the confines of the challenge. You’re formatting choice in colors worked well. Your reason for having your character in the plane jumping situation was simple, commonplace, and for those reasons, effective and believable. There was a good point of tension that solidified Angel’s “first time skydiving,” when she didn’t remember how to open it, making it all the more believable. It also acted as a good point of suspense; not only was I left, for the moment, unsure whether she would remember how to open the parachute, but also whether it would actually open when she did.

    A rather entertaining post, and certainly a creative way to go with the challenge with the character you used. I actually would have expected you to use Faust again for this one. So in the use of KHV-Tan, you surprised me immensely. Using a toy plane was a spark of creativity, albeit being expected in retrospect. I liked the way you wrote the imagery for the character at the start of the post. What follows really brings her small size into a sharp perspective (a pond becomes an ocean, and what I can only assume is a lawn space becomes a large field). It was especially interesting in the fact that it seemed like KHV was, in a sense, under the understanding that she was truly flying the plane herself, unaware that it was being controlled via remote with Faust.

    The use of Faust as a more secondary character in this post was done well. He didn’t have all that much ‘screen time’ as it were. But he maintained a subtle yet powerful presence as an antagonistic character. I find myself being put off by the character, which in terms attracts me to read posts for him. I think his manipulative nature and KHV-tan’s somewhat naïve qualities make for an entertaining chemistry, especially as of this round’s posts.

    Miss Me Ni Meinai
    Again, you’ve put out a creative piece of work, and put your own unique twist onto the challenge. You’ve addressed the situation on the whole in an effective manner, though the realism behind it comes off as a bit tainted. I feel that you’ve pressed your luck a bit with the post’s length, and with some certainty, pushed it in terms of fulfilling the criteria of “getting the point across.” The post I’m reading seems to be missing a fair amount of detail, as far as the history is concerned. The challenge was to get the point across with a short post, which generally works best by using simple situations. The situation you’ve presented just seems like it has a lot of complexities that would have been involved in leading to that point, complexities that aren’t really touched up. Why was Nikki kidnapped? Was it random, or plotted out? What is it she was helping the criminals achieve with this “errand?” Those were some of the big questions that I had to ask myself. So in a clearer explanation, I felt that the post needed a bit more information to really hold together.

    Midnight Star
    You made an interesting and welcome decision to have your character NOT be so frightened, as much as determined to make the jump. It was also a bold move to not have the parachute work on the first few pulls of the cord, which gave the post a good level of tension and uncertainty. If there’s really one thing that I have to say that I can’t quite get into about the post, it is that it doesn’t seem to correlate too smoothly with the character’s defined personality. I understand that her “shut in” sort of nature is one that is stayed by a rather vicarious inner fire. However, I feel that such a personality is one that requires more brooding time. The post could have used just a touch more to cover her having come out to take such a big step, I feel, in order for it to come off as more natural to the character.

    I can definitely see that you had to cut a bit or more out of the beginnings of your post. But it doesn’t break the post as much as you might think it does. Though I will say that you could have made a few minor tweaks to help it hold more substantially as its own post in its entirety. Regardless, it’s pretty good the way it is. The situation is believable, if not commonplace, so it comes off as somewhat realistic (the only issue is that you don’t typically have parachutes on your average airliner, which seems to be where Tatsuo is). You also could have gotten away with reworking the spacing and paragraph organization just a little bit. The line by the terrorist could have been placed on its own, and then the rest of the post after that would have worked as its own paragraph as well.

    There were some good parts to your post. It was a real world sort of situation, so very easy to imagine and get into. It was light-hearted, which has been a point of uniqueness in this challenge proper, yet still maintained a sense of nervousness coming from the primary character of the post. There were some awkwardly written passages in the post though, which is the main point on which I’d have to call you out. Mostly, they’re fragments, places where the post would have been clearer if you had used commas instead of periods. The big place where that is evident is in your first paragraph, starting with “But a plan(e),” and ending with “would work,” which would have had a better flow if you had just made it one sentence. I feel that you really didn’t address the actual falling part as well as you could have to satisfy the situation, which gave it a bit of an incomplete feel as far as the challenge is concerned.

    Short and sweet indeed, I would say. The situation you created out of the challenge is quite unique in a few ways. For one, you’ve taken the element of nerves and fear of jumping and weaved it into a greater, and deeper fear, giving it that extra touch of personality, and a quality of character development from beginning to end; there’s that sense that maybe this post marks a turning point in your character’s life/mindset. And it also added a good flare of meaning in that the character was undergoing this ordeal for the sake of another, and a promise that was made. There were just a few points where the writing itself could have been better. The sentence “obsessed with the sky,” would have been well off being omitted from the post. “The second she pulls the cord, she’ll cheat death,” broke from the past tense of the post, albeit briefly, and the sentence that followed it would have worked more smoothly with an “,and” put in between the two, rather than a period.

    Ace Sukebe
    Creatively, you’ve done a good job with your post. The use of music mentioned throughout gave a mood setting, especially since the songs are pretty recognizable by title alone. The personas of both of your characters are illustrated pretty clearly through the situation. Though I must say that it seemed over the top on Ruby’s part, since, in her profile, she doesn’t come off as sinister as to just send someone off to her death (more so someone who liked to see people in pain); then, I can’t rule out the parachute as being there to achieve that very end. I feel that a certain sense of realism was lost in the events leading up to Chyeze jumping. It seems like the plane would have already entered into a nosedive be the time Chyeze had gotten to his parachute, which would have made it all the more difficult for him to abandon the crash.
  12. Bushy "Don't think. Imagine!"

    May 27, 2008
    On the other side of the internet.
    *Retrieves the thrown away white judgement wig*
    Let's get down to it. This week, you all had a unique challenge set forth and so, I'm going to try and be as short and sweet as I can with these critiques to match the posts you yourselves made.
    Remember as always, anything to say? Any questions? Well, feel free to contact me. I won't hurt you... well, unless you're a masochist who likes pain. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

    Well done on taking the advice of the last critiques. This was so much easier to read due to the colour coding. So I hereby award you a Bushy Point. (None Refundable)
    Obviously, with this challenge it's a rather fast paced one because it has to be, hence the scenario I cooked up. You caught that with the way that your character had those moments of indecisiveness and panic and the fact she was sorta pushed into making her moves faster by the guide.
    I loved the character of Angel in this too, the way she acted actually had me giggling to myself slightly. I can imagine I'd act similar in her situation.
    You had a good layout here and despite being a short post, I can still feel the effort you put in which really just goes to show that length doesn't always prove effort. Well done mi'dear.

    I loved the unique take you had here P.
    Using KHV-tan's size with a toy plane was something I loved, and Faust with his little evil genius moment. I laughed pretty hard at this.
    I'll cover the usual bases.
    You had a very clear layout but I'd suggest that have a different colour for Faust and KHV-tan for when they speak. I had to reread this part at first because I though both were Faust for a split second, and I was like... 'her fist on her chest?' "Oh!"

    If you're gonna have different colours for action and speech, yeah, it's a good idea to give both characters their own speech colour at least.
    As I said, you were very creative with this and that's the main thing I loved about this post, and again, I can feel you put good effort into this. So well done. XD

    You have acquired a Bushy point as well.

    For a second, I tried to actually click the first word on this post... XD
    Clear layout and colours, another cool idea using thugs this time, comedy...
    Hallelujah! I loved this post a lot although the way you spaced it out made it seem a tad bigger than it actually was... For a second I thought you may have gone into a a slightly bigger than needed post, but it works fine. Just be careful with such guidelines in future. :D
    Also, nice reference to Kingdom Hearts in there, although, I shan't be awarding a Bushy Point for it...
    Okay, you can have one...
    Very well.

    Now Midnight... this was perfect.
    It was short and sweet, had drama as well as communicating everything I needed about your character despite the fact there was no speech in it.
    I wondered if we would have someone do the dreaded 'pulling the cord didn't work' thing and well, you pulled it off amazingly, I felt relieved as much as your character probably did after it succeeded in the end.
    This post was clearly laid out, creative and awesome.
    You certainly get a Bushy Point here. I'd have given you two, but I'm limited in how many I can give. They aren't cheap you know?

    Ah... the terrifying Terrorist routine eh?
    Forgive my pun.
    This was again a unique way to do something... although, since I have to judge from this post alone part of me felt confused as to why the terrorist would make people jump out of the plane and much more, give them parachutes... surely he'd want to keep hostages or at least kill some people to show he was serious?
    I just didn't get why they had to jump at all unless I misread and it was them actually escaping... but yeah, I couldn't tell in this case. :/

    Anyway, my favourite part was actually once he jumped.
    It was short but a perfect little description of the process.
    Good layout which was very clear, and again, I can tell you put effort into this, but yeah... again, sorry for my confusion, but I just couldn't get that first part. :/
    Communication of an idea is important in Role-Playing, so try and make that sorta thing come across clearer next time.

    I'll give you a Bushy Point to be nice anyway. :P

    I loved the motivation for the character behind this post.
    Can I skydive with him for that reason? Girls! :D
    Anyway... *cough cough*

    This was funny and clear, with a unique take on a simple idea.
    Yes, a skydiving session, but you made this your own with the way the character reacted to his own confusing thoughts. Not to mention the dramatic LIZZY! shoutout at the end.
    I actually don't know what else I can put. I just loved the focus on this... XD
    *gives Bushy Point*

    This was B-E-A-UTIFUL!
    Again, I love the unique relationships your characters have to each other.
    I loved the reason she was jumping, it was so sweet! She is so sweet! :D
    I loved the thought process and the actual jump itself, it was pretty wonderful man.

    I'd say to change the colour of thought and speech for your character... as per said before, but I could tell due to the Italics that it was thought at least. So no harm done, but yeah, consider the colours, that is all I have to say.

    Great effort, great creativity, great characters, great post.
    You get a Bushy Point, of the British variety.

    Ace... you are a genius.
    First of all, great use of music.
    Queen to Indiana Jones and then the sarcastic irony of I believe I can fly. I love it.

    Dang man, what a situation! Ruby really knows how to give someone a message.
    I loved this, really I did.
    This post was creative and very clear. It was awesome overall.
    You had great effort in this and I loved the characterisation and comedy involved.
    Characterisation and comedy were the strong points here for me, so well done there for sure.
    You get the Final Bushy Point here.
    "Oh Great China" indeed.
  13. MadDoctorMaddie I'm a doctor, not a custom title!

    Apr 19, 2008
    Med Bay
    Content wise, this was an excellent post. I could really feel the nervousness, and the eventual relief. The forgetting to count bit was a nice touch, again it was something I could relate to.

    The post was fairly short (and definitely sweet), but you didn't even try to separate them into paragraphs, in stead opting to one big one. Maybe it's just my writing style, but I could've easily put that in four to six paragraphs. At the very least, start a new one whenever a new person begins to speak/think.

    But this was still a very pleasant post to read, nice job!

    Your prose is absolutely gorgeous, and when it's condensed into just a few paragraphs, it really suits well into the roleplaying aspects of the challenge. Again, I feel like it could have been separated a bit more, and it might be a tad too long for this challenge, but it definitely wasn't the longest one.

    Your characters are still wonderfully bizarre, and I'm starting to be able suspend disbelief whenever I read your posts. I was actually feeling quite sorry for KHV-tan by the end, and I was shaking my internet arm in anger towards Faust. The scenario was interesting, something you could only pull off with your characters, so you're definitely making the most of them.

    I'm gonna cut off my rambling now by saying that it's gonna be very interesting to see how your characters will interact with others.

    First of all, nice Kingdom Hearts shout out. I'm really enjoying your writing style, it works well with your character. You had a nice scenario too, and I liked the way you kinda 'lampshaded' the unreliability of the bad guys' plans.

    Unfortunately, I definitely felt that this was a bit too long for the challenge. You spaced the paragraphs correctly though, so props for that, even though they didn't fit into the two paragraphs that Jayn specified in the challenge rules. I guess my advise for you is to learn how you can condense and edit out even just the slightly unneeded parts. What I've found helpful is reading through my post/essay/whatever I'm working on at the moment over and over again, each time taking out things that aren't essential, until it fits whatever limit I've been given, and if I had the time, re-writing the whole thing. I dunno if that'll work for you, but it's definitely saved me at times.

    I still definitely liked your post, nice job.

    That 'je ne sais quoi' I talked about in the last challenge? You definitely found it. This was absolutely charming, and a lovely, simple look at a very exciting moment. There was no real unnecessary, in stead the moment of panic felt natural and not tacked on. I was holding my breath at the point where her parachute didn't open.

    You kept it fairly short, so no real complaints in that department. It was definitely sweet, so all in all, I think you did a great job with the challenge. Keep the good work up!

    You chose a very interesting scenario, and I'm actually starting to like it more and more as I've been re-reading these. Like with Maka, it was a nice twist that the character's motivations were technically against their actions (that they were forced into, of course). Your character is very sweet, and I'm starting to root for him.

    But again, even if this was just the last part of all that you wrote, it still felt a little bit too long for me. I suggest you go read the advise I gave to Maka about condensing posts, as I find the same situation applies to both of you.

    But overall, it was a good post.

    This too was a nice, simplistic take on the challenge. Overall, I liked your writing style, but that last paragraph had me a bit confused, it took my flu-addled brain a couple reads to understand what was going on.

    Your characters motivations were odd, but in a good way. There's something slightly anime/manga-esque about him, which gives him a nice flare. I'm not sure if I'd like him if I met him in real life, but reading about him was definitely interesting. Nice job!

    This was again a nice, simple post. And quite possibly one of the shortest ones, so congrats for sticking with the challenge. This was most definitely one of the sweetest posts. Good job with keeping a potentially melodramatic scenario subtle, yet emotional.

    I don't really have any critique for you D8 Your prose is lovely, and you stuck to the challenge well. Great work!

    The music added an absolutely wonderful flare to your post, that was a really clever idea. Your character was much easier to handle when he was alone, and I really hope you'll be able to make Ruby distinct from him. Good job with tying this to the previous challenge, and good job with slightly altering the character, while staying true to him.

    This too, I found was too long for this challenge though. Because I'm wired on flu medicine right now, I'm feeling too lazy to repeat what I said earlier, so also please read Maka's critique, specifically the part about condensing posts.

    It's great to see you improving, though, keep it up!

    Sorry that these are so disjointed and repetitive (and late, again ;-; ), I'm a bit sick at the moment and the meds are making me feel weird X_X
    Again, if you've got questions, shoot me a PM/VM!
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