“Just wait! Before you do something stupid!” “Wh...Who are you?” “And Robin Hood lived happily with Marion in Nottingham forest along with all his friends. Now that’s enough for today” Dad said. “Okay, night dad!”. Dad looked at me like he always did. He had this nice, kind look in his eyes. “Goodnight son.” He said. “Dad … do you think I can be as brave as Robin Hood was?”. “Well Robin, that depends on how you decide to live your life. I know you have a kind heart son and you make me proud every day. Maybe one day you’ll be a hero like Robin Hood was. Haha, you already have the right name for it, that's for sure. Now, goodnight my boy!”. He closed the door softly. I heard his footsteps fading as I calmly fell into a deep sleep. That was the last time I talked to him. Many people say that I’m a spitting image of him … six years already … “Robin? C’mon son, get out of your bed, you should get ready for school!”. That’s my mom. Since dad died, she has taken care of me all by herself. She’s a brave person … well, she can be a pain in the butt sometimes but hey, that’s what moms are for. “Yes mom, no need to shout.” “Robin?!” “Yes, I heard you, I’m getting out of my bed as we speak!”. Ugh, I hate it when she doesn’t hear me from the first time, really, sometimes I think she’s deaf or something. "I don’t like leaving this bed, it just doesn’t feel right leaving a bed as comfortable as this all empty … Wha? Russel, get out of my bed! I didn’t mean you should replace me in the bed you silly.”. Russel is my dog, he has black and white hair and has these brown spots above his eyes. A very smart fella … even too smart at times. Once he stole a sausage of my plate without me knowing it and I was even sitting there when it happened. Even until now I still don’t know how he managed to do that. “Bye mom, see you tonight!” And now she’s gonna say ‘have a nice day sweetie’. “Have a nice day sweetie!”. Well, I would lie if I say that I don’t like her calling me sweetie, as long as she doesn’t say it when I’m with friends, I’m cool with it. “Jeeez, the bus is late today” I already had this feeling it would be late today, guess I was right. “Finally!”. After 15 minutes the bus had arrived and I got on. “Duuude”, John shouted, “come sit over here!”. John is one of my best friends, his real name is Johny but I call him John. The guy’s very tall and has long, brown hair. He has the habit of laughing with something which isn’t really funny but his laugh cracks me up and as a result I start laughing too. We got kicked out of class once because we just couldn’t stop laughing. “Sooo Robin, are you gonna ask her today? You promised yourself you would ask her out on a date today and you can’t break promises you made to yourself, am I right?” “Well, shouldn’t I just wait for the right time man? I mean, wouldn’t I just be rushing things if I asked her out now? It has been only one month that I first met her.” Her name is Eve. She's a very beautiful, kind girl and very smart too. She has darkbrown hair and green eyes. I actually met her on John's birthday party one month ago. John and Eve have already known each other for years. Me and her got along pretty well so I wanted to get to know her better. “Dude, I already told you before, she’s likes you! Go for it really, you’ve got nothing to lose, trust me!” “Alright, alright, no need to shout, one person shouting at me in the morning is enough y’know.” John looked at me “What?” He asked. “You know, my mom.” He laughed “Haha, she still being deaf is she?” I nodded “Yup, she doesn't change”. We arrived at school. As I got off the bus, I saw Eve standing at the entrance along with Marron, a friend of Eve. I think they've already noticed us, but I'm not sure though. “… Don’t trust her …” “...What did you say John?” “Eerr, I didn’t say anything man.” “Wait, then in that case who said to not trust her?” John looked at me with a strange look “What are you talking about? Don’t trust who? Dude, no one said anything like that … you didn't sleep well or something?” I could’ve sworn I heard someone say something to me … but he’s probably right, I didn’t sleep that good last night. “It’s alright, I’m probably just imagining things.” John laughed “Hey bud, don’t get crazy on me now haha” Well isn't he the comedian, I'll show him. “Very funny, you should become a comedian one day with that awesome sense of humour. Hey, I already have a nickname for you, ‘Little John’, how about that?”. The look on his face is just priceless, he shouldn't think too hard though, he might hurt his brains in the process. “Wait a sec, I’m taller than you so you don't make any sen... wait … why you!” “Aaaah boys, they're all the same aren’t they Marron?” Eve and Marron were standing right in front of us while we were ‘fighting’ each other. “Oh Eve, hehe, we’re just having fun.” I said. Huh, someone's pinching my arm? “Dude, would you please let me go? You’re suffocating me!” “Oh, whoops, sorry! Hehe, totally forgot you for a moment.” I said as I laughed nervously “Humph, you see how lucky I am ladies to have a friend like him?” Marron and Eve looked at each other and started to giggle. “You both are cute y’know, you would make the perfect couple.” Eve said mockingly. “Anyways, school’s about to start, you two are gonna join us or what?”. We walked to the entrance of the school where Eve and Marron were earlier. DING DONG “C’mon man, the bell rang already!” John yelled "Huh, damn, I lost my phone … probably from our little struggle earlier. It shouldn't have gotten too far. I’ll meet you in class, don’t worry!”. I turned around and ran off to the place where we were earlier. Maybe it’s on the sidewalk or something or maybe I lost it when we got off the bus? “Watch out!!!” ________________ First time I write a story, I hope you like it. I haven't decided yet whether or not to continue it but I would love to have some kind of feedback though :)
Well you're writing style is very refreshing, I can say that from the start. It made me smile as I read through it, so there's a nice spirit in your words. And it has me interested. ^^ However, there's one thing that bugs me out a little. Every time someone talks, make a new paragraph. It may seem like a page stretcher, but it'll help the readers know who's saying what instead of rereading the sentence trying to figure it out. I mean, you didn't make it hard to read this time, but it would be nice if you do that next chapter. I gotta say, reading this makes me want to do a collab story with you. ;D In other words... I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTER! You made my day with this, even though it was short. It's like walking back into my childhood with Robin Hood. Post the next chapter soon. ^^
This is great. I hope you post the next chapter soon. Your style is great and your use of a story that pretty much everyone knows is a nice little touch. Also, like Maka said i'd love to do a collab with you.
Interesting, though some grammatical mistakes deter from the read. I'd brush up on grammar or at least do some proofreading.
“Watch out!!!” “What the?! …” I jumped aside ‘cause I thought a car would run me over. I looked around me and there was nothing. “Seriously, what is wrong with me today? Nobody’s here, no cars or anything …”. I stood up and looked to the sidewalk. There it was, the lost phone. Who was yelling at me to watch out … for what did I have to watch out? … “Man, why is everyone yelling at me today? Hmm … I better check if my phone’s still working. Hehe, it’s still working, it’s about time I had some luck today hehehe… huh? … 9 A.M.?! Oh man, Mrs. Langland will have my head for sure!” “Aah Mr. Green, so you decided to show up after all? Why are you so late if I may ask? I’m sure you have a wonderful explanation for this.” “Sorry Mrs. but I lost my phone when I arrived at school and I noticed it kinda late. I searched for it, found it and directly went to class.” “Ooh, so you tell me something like a phone, a piece of technology, is more important than my lessons where you actually learn something useful?” “Mrs. Langland, with all due respect but that piece of technology cost a lot of money. I used all my money just to..” “Are you going to talk for a whole lesson or what?! Sit down this instant or that precious object of yours is mine, you understand?! Now go sit there next to Tuck. We wouldn’t want you and John disturbing this lesson now do we?” Tuck is also a friend of mine. I wouldn’t want to call him fat ‘cause that would be disrespectful but well, I’m not gonna say he’s thin either. He loves nature and is very kind hearted. But don’t talk to him in class cause unlike most off my classmates, Tuck actually wants to follow the lessons. That’s why that old hag put me next to him, she knows this. After school we went to the forest. It’s a little forest not too far from my home. When we were little, me and John would go there and play but now we go there with all our friends when school’s done and just sit there, talking about nonsense, laughing, y’know, the usual stuff. I decided to take Eve and Marron along with us today ‘cause I still had to ask Eve out on a date. “So Robin, you come here often?” Eve asked. “Yeah, me and John have known it since we were little kids. We used to play here all the time” “Well, isn’t that cute.” Marron said. I totally forgot about her being here too. If I could, I wouldn’t have taken her along with us but Eve wouldn’t have come along with us since she would’ve been the only girl here. I had to take Marron with us. “It’s so quiet in here, that’s why I like coming here.” Tuck said. “I was the first, aside from John and Robin to come here and now, I couldn’t live without this forest. It’s just so peaceful, listening to the birds whistling, smelling the smell of nature and … a bee! Take it away from me, aaah!” Yeah, Tuck loves nature … but he hates bees. When you want Tuck to scream like a little girl, then bees are the way to go. "Hahaha, I've never seen someone that size run that fast!" Marron laughed. “Dude, you still afraid of bees? They won’t harm you unless you make them mad by y'know running away so please stay still! Marron, would you help me calm down Tuck?” John said. “What? He'll stop running, he can't stay running like that forever y'know.” "Marron, don't say that." Eve answered. Marron looked at her "Ok, I'll help him." “Aight, now be good you two.” John said while smiling at me. He really wants me to ask her today, not complaining though, it’s nice to have a friend like him. But I really hope me asking her out doesn’t affect our friendship or anything. It would be nice to have her as my girlfriend but I don’t want to lose her as a friend along the way. “Hehe, he really is a silly one isn’t he. Hmm we can't keep standing here forever. Follow me, I know a place where we can sit down.” “That’s good, ‘cause I actually want to talk to you about something.” She wants to talk with me? Talk about a turn of events. “Tell me, what did you want to say to me?” “Well … Robin, I hope this won’t affect our friendship or anything but uhm … I think you’re a very neat guy. You’re very funny, always acting cute and … ” She thinks I’m cute? Me, Robin Green, is found cute by Eve Wright? This has to be the best day ever! “ … and well, I think I like you Robin.” She likes me too? She feels about me the same way I feel about her? She even had the same fear of losing me as a friend. I guess John was right after all. “Well, Eve, to tell you the truth, I like you too and I was planning on telling you but hehe you beat me to it.” “Oh, I’m sooo happy I’m not the only one, I thought you would just see me as a friend. I really wanted to say this for a very long time y'know, I'm so glad you like me the same way!” Omg, she actually hugged me *sniff* thank you Lord! “Aaaaw, it’s just too cute!!” “.. Marron? How long’ve you been there?” Me and Eve said at the same time. “Well, I’ve been here long enough and I really think you two are so cute together. C’mon guys, they saw us.” After that Tuck and John came over and they were reacting the same way as Marron did before them and John congratulated me. After that we just talked about school, Tuck talked about how horrible bees are and Marron gave the guys some fashion tips ... even though they didn't want her advice. Me and Eve weren’t really paying much attention to what they were saying though, we had our own conversation going on hehe. “Mom I’m home! … Mom? Hey Russel, how’s my boy, how’s my boy? Been good today?” Russel stared at me and turned his head slightly. After looking at me like that for a few seconds he jumped on me and started licking my face as I was laying on the ground. “Haha, well, I assume that’s a yes. Now that's enough, c'mon man. Hmmm, I wonder where mom is though. I’ll go look upstairs. Mom, where are you? Mom?!” “You’re mom’s not home Robin but she’ll be back in 15 minutes or so.” “What? Who is there? And how do you know my name?” “Haha, you don’t know me but I know you. I have known you for many years.” “Stop talking riddles, who are you?” “Can I ask you something? Do you sometimes have the feeling something’s gonna happen before it actually happens or have you ever felt like someone will say something before they even had the chance of actually saying it to you? “Well, I do often have a feeling like something will happen or someone will say something ... But I know what mom’s gonna say to me becuase I know her so well. And the bus, well, it’s late often so that’s isn’t anything special either … But why are you asking all of this?” “You really think those things aren’t that special? You really want to know do you?” “…. Are you gonna talk or what?” “Hahaha, after all this time I’ve known you, this has to be the most serious yet funniest face you have ever made haha” “ANSWER ME NOW, WHO ARE YOU?!” “Easy now Robin, no need to be all mad at me, I AM your catalyst after all.” “My catalyst…. What are you talking about?” “Guess I’ll have some explaining to do … A catalyst, a dead person's soul who goes into a living person’s body and is left dormant there, waiting to be awakened.” “… You’re not making any sense at all.” “Well, if you would let me finish talking, I would make sense, jeeez, talk about impatience. Anyways, you see, the souls of the people who die become catalysts, bound to one’s body and left there in a deep sleep. Everyone you know has a catalyst but not all of them get awakened. They however can be awakened if the owner of the body, called the carrier, witnesses a strong emotional rush. When the catalyst awakens however, the owner of the body gets powers.” “…Powers?” “Yup, powers. Some examples of carriers with an awakened catalyst are Hercules, King Arthur, Robin Hood, and many others. Ever wondered why Robin Hood was such a good archer? That was his power. Hercules was very strong, people thought he was a son of gods, while in fact that power was because of his catalyst awakened. King Arthur was capable of pulling the sword out of the stone because of his catalyst. And you my friend, gained the power of foresight.” “….” “As for that emotional rush of yours, I awakened when you’re… ” “… When dad died..” “… Exactly. And when the emotional rush is strong enough, after some time, the catalyst and the carrier, the bond between them becomes even stronger can communicate with each other. Normally it would take many years but with you it happened pretty fast actually. But I’m guessing your love for Eve accelerated things a bit.” “Robin, I’m home!” “Well, guess, our talk has to wait.” “Robin, why are you sitting here on the floor?” “….”
I think there's a small lack of action going on in the story. Although dialogue is good, I think it's too early in the story for such a speaking block.
What Catalyst? D? ....Powers?IsWhyMe?Happening Who is he?DToAMe? “Robin! Wake up! What do I have to do … c’mon Robin, say something please!†“….. Mom...†“Thank God, you’re ok. What happened dear, you'll be able to stand up?†“ I …. I don’t know …†“You were just lying here on the ground, I came back from the supermarket and found you here. “… What happened to me?†“I don’t know dear, should I call the doctor? This isn’t normal at all y’know, you should be checked, maybe you’re sick. I know the doctor will be able to h..†“I’ll be ok mom, I’m fine now.†“I don’t know sweetie … you sure you’ll be ok?†“Yes and I promise, if I don’t feel good, I’ll tell you so we can go to the doctor.†“Ok, if you say so. I’ll prepare some food.†What is happening to me? What is he really? A catalyst … Powers … WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! “…. Hey Russel. You were worried were you? Sorry man, didn’t mean to.†He came closer to me and laid down right next to me. He’s such a good friend. Even though people think they’re just animals, there is more to them y’know. We too are animals so why would they be so different from us? “Thanks buddy.†“Robin! Dinner’s ready!†“All right, I’ll be there in a minute.†“Robin! C’mon, your food is getting cold!†“Yes mom, I said I’ll be there in a minute!†Looks like everything is still normal after all. “What the?†Why is dad standing there in the kitchen? He and mom are talking? He’s looking at me … but it can’t be … “Dad?†Mom turned around, looking very surprised. “Robin? … What are you say … sweetie?†“… I thought dad was here, I saw him.†“Robin … why are you sayi… That’s it, I’m going to call the doctor, and you’ll stay home tomorrow. No way you go to school like this.†We ate and after that we went to the doctor. He said that it was nothing more than an overload of stress and that I should take some rest. My mom directly sent me to bed when we got home. Better text my friends that I won’t be going to school tomorrow … I’ll say I’m not feeling too well, they don’t need to now that I fainted here. Anyways, time to sleep. “…. Goodnight .. Eve.†the - - re - -is bur - - cu - - rit - - unknown - - one death - - in sickness and in health - - forever - - congrats mate - - you - - the one! - - Hahaha - - you’re all gonna die! “Aaaaah!!!! … What the hell was that? A nightmare? Jeez, I’m practically swimming in the sweat here.†I looked at my phone to see what time it was. “Oh man, 2 A.M. I really want to sleep, I’m tired.†“Well, I guess we’ll have our little talk tomorrow.†“You again?†“What? You thought I was gone? Told you, I’m inside you, you won’t get rid of me that quickly you know.†“Didn’t mean it like that sorry, I was just shocked that’s all … so, this is all real, y’know … the catalyst stuff?†“As real as it can get my boy. But don’t worry, it’s not like I’m a bad person or anything … well person, not really a person anymore but you get what I’m saying.†“Yeah … so what’s you’re name?†“Call me Richard.†“Ok Richard, nice to meet you ..†“Hmmm? No more yelling? Phew, that’s a relief, if I still would’ve had, I would be as deaf as your mother.†“Sorry …†“Now, no need to say sorry every time, I was just kidding. Get some sleep Robin, we’ll talk tomorrow when we have the time for it†“Ok, night … Richard.†“Night kid.†*sigh* What’s my purpose here I wonder … do I have a duty to fulfill? Does HE have a duty to fulfill? If only I got some more information before He sent me to his body...
