Unwanted Family Drama

I had not brought this topic to the forum outside of roleplayers, close friends, and staff, but my mother had died a few days ago unexpectedly. We don't really know what happened, and when it comes to my dad, my two brothers, and I, we don't really want to know. It's a load on our shoulders we don't want and we're upset right now, but we're doing out best to hang on.

My mother dying is unfortunately a break in a dam that is causing more stress than I need right now, and I need a little help from people who do not have a connection to my town or my family.

In order to understand family **** going on, you need to have the basic family situation:

My father has 5 sisters and 2 brothers. Both brothers have a wife and 2 of the five sisters have husbands. Two of the aunts are widows, one of these widows remarried, the other sister (not the other widow) has a boyfriend/fiance(I don't really know). He still has his father and mother alive but I'm just saying that to note it, they aren't involved.

My mother was adopted, but when I was 5, found her birth mother. They have had a respectful relationship ever since then, where they have been there for us. My mom's adopted father (who she has always considered her father) died when she was 15, but her adopted mother (who she has ALWAYS considered her mother) died when I was 7. My mom has her birth brother, and her adopted sister.

My family is very big on the "friends are the family you choose" philosophy. We have four honorary aunts and two honorary uncles. We have a lot more friends than that, but we only have so many honorary aunts and uncles.
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situation 1:
On the day after my mom died, my dad had three of his sisters over and one of my honorary uncles. They kept having "Secret meetings" with each other throughout the house all day. Occasionally pushing my dad into his room (which they were aware was a sore point for everyone in the house right then). I didn't understand it, I thought they were doing their own coping mechanism and I let it be.

I found out when I walked in on one of them and they stopped talking, they were avoiding talking in front of me. At that point I tried to talk to my dad and my aunts wouldn't let me. That was when I realized and found out officially they were having my dad make decisions under his emotional stress without consulting us first.

At that point, they were trying to get my father to get an autopsy for my mother.

Now you guys probably don't think this is a big deal but it really was to me. We all had agreed as a family that we did not want an autopsy. We think the doctor's unofficial report that it was a blood clot was fine for us. We don't think it was genetic, we know my mom was fine. But my aunts and my uncle wanted to know in case the doctor did something liable on them.

They told my father to forget about the kids' decision and get the autopsy "for us" so we would know if it was genetic.

I am 18 years old. I am my dad's kid, yes, but I am an adult. And I am still furious over the fact they made this decision after we had this closed out. In the end, we didn't get one, we wasted a day on it. But these aunts are upset because they wanted to know. But we didn't. I don't know how to handle this one.

situation 2:
My mom's adopted sister (who she just calls her sister) has always had hot blood over the fact my mom knew her birth mother. Mainly because my aunt does not know her's. My aunt has never really shown that much care or interest in my family ever. But so help us if we don't acknowledge her children. My aunt hasn't said happy birthday to me in three years, but since my mom forgot to call on my cousin Jon's birthday, she got a riot act.

My aunt wants to rekindle her relationship with us. She wants to be be more involved. I want her as far away from my life as possible.

I've posted and bitched about how horrible a person I think my aunt is before, especially in my post in sensitive content, but I don't want to link that because it's hard to read that story right now. But this aunt is awful. I'm sorry, but I cannot justify anything she does.

She harassed my mom when she was alive, she harassed my mom's birth mother because she "doesn't have the right to mourn for her", and she now wants to be a part of my life. Why? because she couldn't be when my mom was alive.


If I need more expansion on situation two, let me know, but I'm posting now.

 

Situation 1 : I' m not sure I get what your complaint is, or why you didn' t want the autopsy in the first place. I mean I would assume you either had no emotional need to know more or simply didn' t have enough doubts to go through the hassle, but those wouldn' t be reason enough for you to outright dismiss your aunts' need to know. You' re furious that they "went behind your back" to speak their mind to your dad, but when you say "we had already agreed as a family" ... what do you mean by "family" ? Were your aunts consulted ? Was your dad emotionally peachy when you did ? Yes, at 18 you' re legally an adult, but I don' t suppose you' d be the one paying for the autopsy so ...

That being said I have no clue how much weight is given to the wishes of the children (or sisters) of the deceased in the US, legally speaking. And that autopsy might very well be superfluous indeed, you' d know that better than I would.

 

By "family" I meant my two brothers, my dad, and I. My dad has always felt, and has always said he has felt, more emotionally composed when it is just my brothers and I when we are all together. When we made that decision for the autopsy, it was because it was a whole other process for paperwork and phone calls and meetings and time for something we didn't think was that big of a deal. My mother was relatively healthy, and didn't have anything that the doctors tested when she was alive that would have indicated she had a disease we never knew about.

In regards the the weight of what my aunts can do, it depends on the permissions my father gives.

My overall complaint isn't really a complaint. I want to know if I am rightfully pissed off at the fact that they purposefully avoided asking my brothers and I how I felt about it until it was too late for us to do anything. I'm not upset over the fact they want to know, I understand that, I'm upset over the avoid-the-kids game they played.

 

Well, you gotta keep in mind that there' s a generational gap between you. Besides, eighteen ain' t that old. Trust me, wait until you' re thirty (or hell, twenty five) and look back, chances are you' ll marvel at how little of an adult you actually were at eighteen. The part of the brain that deals with making decisions is the last one to mature (around age 25 on average). There' s a reason the army doesn' t wait that long to recruit people. On top of that, you' re all grieving. I' d say that calls for tact, maybe they thought it' d be best for you to hear it from your father than to be directly confronted ?

Only one way to find out for sure I guess. And tell them you' d appreciate a more direct approach next time.

 

Situation 1: I've gone through sudden loss before, and it was hard. It wasn't immediate family, but he pretty much became my older brother I never really had. I thought he was fine, and then he suddenly passed away, right when he moved out on his own (which was a big step for him, because he got an infection in his leg before I was born and had to get it amputated and had to depend on other people for the longest time for help). He died five days before my birthday, they didn't find him till three days later, my dad received the news the day they found him (which was a Wednesday)... I overheard my Dad talk to clients about a death in the family, but I thought he was talking about my grandparents and that they would tell me soon... My family knelt for family prayer before church, and my dad said "We're sorry that Corey has passed away, but now we know he's with thee and thine angels." I lost it. I ran out of the room. My parents forced me to go to church. Then my dad told me later that my mom wanted to keep it a secret. I got bitter, angry, refused to go to the funeral, and eventually spiraled into depression that's affected me to this day.

Fast forward to today, I am still grieving. I'm still angry sometimes of how my parents handled it and what I did soon afterwards. If I could go back again, I would have gone to his funeral. I would have tried to look on the bright side of things, forgiven, and let go. There's always going to be a gaping hole there and it's going to always hurt. I found out through internet research that he was sick for a very long time, but seemed healthy. He used to be a Black Belt in Karate, and then he became ill and his whole life pretty much crumbled before his eyes. He died of an instant heart-attack and felt no pain. I didn't know that though. I didn't know he was sick. I needed that closure even though I wanted to hide from it for a long, long time. It helped me to lay him to rest and say my goodbyes to him six years after his death.

Your family situation is defiantly not helping out right now, and I am sorry. Yes, you have every right to be pissed at them. They're not respecting you and the children's decision for their mother, the people that were actually an interracial part of her life.

If you can, write out your feelings. You have every right to grieve right now, and feelings are already sore because of the sudden lose. If you feel the need to speak your mind, tell them flat out you do not appreciate to be manipulated and ignored. Don't beat around the bush. This is your mother, the woman who gave you life. You just have every right to be apart of the funeral process as they are as an adult. Yes, you're just barely 18, but you have every right to be apart of this as they do.

All in all, let yourself grieve.

Situation 2: I pretty much had to move away from my family because of manipulating relatives and even parents and siblings. If they're hindering you, causing you grieve and pain, you have every right to not have them involved in your life. It'll probably be for the best. I've seen a lot of improvement in my own life when I separated myself from the toxic environment I grew up in. What I learned is that you can't have control over everything, no matter how much you want to. You just have to trust that eventually things will work out for themselves over time.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope the best for you.