Zack and Mary

Discussion in 'Archives' started by ♦Demon♥Angel♦, Jul 26, 2008.

  1. ♦Demon♥Angel♦ Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Chapter 1: Room 109
    Zach stubled into class. His tie was undone, and he was holding his left shoe. The teacher, Mirs. Hugens, looked at him with a very dirty look. Zack scrached the back of his head.

    "It's about time, Zachary. Take yuor seat, and out your shoe on. Now tell us when was the War of the Children, can you tell us Mr. Fair?" She nastly said. "No." He said quickly.

    "Uh, I didn't want to do this but-" Mrs. Hugens was interupted by some snoring. She looked at the joker.

    "Blah, blah, blah! I get go to 109!" He got up while the class laughed. The teacher sighed deeply. As Zack walked by, Sally playfully punched him.

    Sally was Zack's friend sence they could- correction sence ZACK could remember. David was her boyfriend.
    *******
    Mary was buird in her text book, and listening to Mrs. Hugens. She lifted her head up when she started yelling at someone. suzie ,her friend, grunted. "Why does he even try? We all know he's not going to graguation."

    "Why do you hate him so much? He IS funny." She said dreamly. Her freind made a gaging sound. "Shut up" Mary whispered.
    ********
    Zack entered the roomand sighed.

    "Hello Zack Fair!" Said Mr. Pangs "Hi, Mr. P. I have Math to do." Has he said this Mr. P got up to get the math book.

    "Here, this will help your small mind." He teased. "Thanks." Zack muttered. He hated the teasing he got it DID make him feel stupid. He said in the back back. A few seconds later he was asleep. He didn't even get passed number 1 when the Z's started coming out.

    Zack...Zack, ZACK!" David yelled. School was over for the past five minutes. "Huh? Wah-"

    "Haha, come one Zack, schools over." Sally laughed. "We're going to the Island, you wanna come?"

    "Sure, whatever" Zack yawned. He got up and walked to his locker. "I'm bushed wiht homework. All my teachers hate me!"

    "Not jsut your teachers, Zachery." Said a cold voice. The trio turned to see the queen of the school, Suzie standing there mockingly. "Well, well if it ain't the joker."

    Zack cluched his fist, but released them when he say Mary behind her. He blushed madly adn stuffed his backpack. He turned the other direction and broke into a run.

    "oh, how sad is that he can't face me." She smiled at her friends, and smirked at David and Sally. "See ya, losers- on second thought no i wont."

    End Chaper!
     
  2. sinister King's Apprentice

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    very nice miss!!
    cant wait to read more.....
     
  3. ♦Demon♥Angel♦ Gummi Ship Junkie

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    o.o Are you seriouse I don't like it much....I JUST winged. ^^ I'M SOOOOO GLAD YOU LIKE IT!!
     
  4. sinister King's Apprentice

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    yea...
    i think it's cute...
    i'm sorry to hear you say that you didn't like it cause i liked it very much...
     
  5. ♦Demon♥Angel♦ Gummi Ship Junkie

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    Well here thst the next chapter!!

    Chapter 2:Falling Head over Heels

    Zack plobbed on the paopu fruit tree with exhasution. His head hurt from the math he just did. The base of the tree was comfurting, nice, smooth, and chilly.

    "Zack....don't fall asleep." Sally whipered loudly in his ear. Zack mumbled something about not getting enough sleep.

    David laughed at the two. They were like brother sister, course they all knew each other sense Zack was 2, and Sally and David were 3. Sometimes he thought they liked each other more then friends but thought better then of it.
    XXXXXX
    Mary sat on the platfrom to the zipline. This was her favorite pass time: leaning aganst the frame work reading. Mary was a pretty fast reader.

    She opened her book and started read. The ocean breexe started to tickled her feet and brought a simle to her face. It tosed her hairaround a bit, then started to flip through the pages. Mary laughed at the book and breeze.

    Just then Zack brust through the door to her left. He was being chased by Sally. By the look of it Zack stole her locket...again.

    He turned his face towards her and stumbled on the bridge, and fell in the water. Mary gasp and climbed down. She stood on the other side and looked at him.

    "Are you ok?" Mary aksed. Zack looked up. He jst lied there looking at her.

    "Huh?"
    XXXXXX

    OK that all I'm going to do for now. I'm tired.TT^TT
     
  6. Chevalier Crystal Princess

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    well...im going to be serious about this...before other writers come and destroy your work

    lets see....it has a lot of grammar mistakes and is short...very short.

    just try to double check the sentences....so they dont have any mistakes..or at least keep them at a minimum.

    and try to really define the characters....since you placed so many in the first part....the just fall into the common category.

    just emphazise a bit on them.

    and try to give your story some consistency.....because , i couldnt really understand 100%, what was the exact situation.


    and also try to make your story a bit longer.

    if you take all of this into consideration...youll get it right very soon.

    just dont stop...keep going.