Episode 1: Legacy of a Thief Outside of a Castle belonging to an unknown, appeared a thief. We dont know his name yet. He looked at his trusty Twin Swords/Daggers then looked out from behind the cliff. He saw spy cameras. "No big deal, and I thought my old partner would do better!" He said quietly. Then, he peered again, then raced out!! One of the cameras spotted him, but not for long. Thief was running at literally 100 msphr!!! Then, he met the cameras straight on and jumped jabing one of 3. Then, landed on one then imedietly did a Spin Shock on it. Next, he peered in to the hallway door, that was..... open?? When, he got through the hallway... he met his prize. The Legend Sword. The sword used in the War of Rebels. It belonged to the yet to be knowen hero of owers. Then, He appered behind the thief. "Well, Well, Well....." said the man. Thief turned to see his old partner Nyx, now known as "Xero". "Nice to see you again, ......... Reo" Said Xero. "Dont mind me, I'm just here for the sword." Said Reo. "Oh? I'm afraid I cant let you do that Reo." Reo takes off the hood. And the battle begins.
Hmm. Not a bad start. The action seems fast paced, but I suppose it would be if I were I thief moving 100ms/hr! Still something seems missing. Like a substance or a summery of previous events. I'm sure you've come up with them in your head, so its nothing to concern yourself with. The work posted here is very nice. Perhaps you will continue writing more and tells us this Untold Story.
I have to agree with BusterSword. The action is fast paced, which is fine. However, you need to stay within your chosen Point of View. The second sentence sets it up so it seems that we the audience are the main characters, which is a first person plural point of view. We would be, in this case, merely observers to the action, but we would still interact with the story to some degree. However, the rest of the story seems to be focusing more so upon Reo's actions and personal struggles, which is common in a third person narrative, which you seem to be writing. My suggestion would be to omit the second sentence, as that is not needed if we are focusing on Reo. Also, I think that we should have a bit of backstory on Reo. Why is he going after the Legend Sword? What is his relationship with Nyx (and why did it go sour)? I would also advise you to pace yourself with the story; this part seemed rushed and could have been fleshed out more. Other than this, I think you have an interesting concept and wonder what will happen in the next update. c:
i agree with Plums and BusterSword. VERY fast. theres no thoughts or descriptors. is it night time? daytime? futuristic or set in the past? yes, theres a castle, yes theres a cliff, but those things could be in any time zone. also, you should decide that the 'Twin Swords/Daggers' are. swords? daggers? or maybe short swords if you want something in between? i always thought theives carried knives, but those were generally useless unless youre cutting someones purse. or chopping meat. good concept though so far. i would like to see where this goes.
The next part is coming soon. This is more like critisism........... MY GOD just stop that. The first part is placed in the past describing the prolouge to the story. Next, is back to the present.
