Writer's Workshop

This story is actually cetnered around a side character from Tales of the abyss, and a character that i made myself. (which would be the girl) i didn't want to post too much at one time. (since this story is actually over 400 pages long... ) anyway, i would greatly appreciate any and all feedback. (also i would like to continue to post more of this, once i've had a chance to see what other people think of my writing style, but i'm not sure where to put it.) THANX!



Long ago there existed a small planet, on which the inhabitants lived a peaceful life. Their planet was surrounded by magical glowing rocks they called fonstones. These stones protected their planet, as well as provided strength to various fighters all across the planet. One such fighter was named Guy Cecil. He had short blond spiky hair, and deep blue. Guy has a few friends, but due to war and many battles over the years, he has lost his family as well as some of his closest friends. He is a greatly gifted swordsman, but was often hindered by his mysterious and dark past. After the last war ended, Guy became a wanderer, still hoping to find answers to his past, as well as hope for his future. One day while wandering through the fields, suddenly a blinding light filled the sky.

“Wh-what the...?!†Guy said.

Suddenly the sky exploded as if on fire, as Guy shielded his eyes from the light. Suddenly the ground began to shake uncontrollably, causing Guy to the ground. As the shaking stopped and the light faded, Guy looked up to find a giant glowing stone nestled in a large crater before him.

“That’s....a fonstone...but why...how did it...?†Guy said, stunned that a fonstone had
fallen from orbit. Guy seemed mesmerized by the fonstone, but was unsure as to why. Finally Guy was able to snap himself out of his daze.

I should leave it where it is, no one is sure what a fallen fonstone is capable of.†Guy said.
As he tried to turn away, he suddenly found that he was unable to move his legs.

“Wh-what’s going on?†Guy said. Suddenly the fonstone began to glow brighter and brighter.

I have to get away, but...but my feet won’t move!! Guy thought.
Help her... a voice said.
“Huh? Who’s there?†Guy said. Suddenly the silhouette of a young boy covered by a black robe appeared in the fonstone.
“Who...who are you?†Guy asked.
It has begun... The boy’s voice said.
“What are you talking about?†Guy asked, still unable to move.
One scarred by darkness...you are the only one that can save her and pull her from the shadows... The boy said.
“I...I don’t’ understand!†Guy said. Suddenly strange shadows began to appear around the fonstone.
The shadow’s are coming! The boy said.
“I can see that, but I can’t move!†Guy said.
You must survive...face your darkest fears, and find what your heart desires. The boy said as he raised a strange sword like weapon and pointed it towards Guy. “My...my fears...? Hey wait!!†Guy said.
Suddenly the fonstone exploded with light. The shadows vanished, and Guy became enveloped in a strange light, as he could feel his body being pushed off the ground. “Wh-what....what’s going on?!!†Guy shouted as his body vanished into the light.

Guy felt his body float aimlessly through time and space. When he finally began to draw strength once more, he found only enough energy to force his eyes open. As he looked around, he found himself surrounded by darkness, with only a few dim lights floating around him.

Where...where am I? Guy thought, not yet possessing enough strength to even open his mouth. Guy tried to move, but found only enough strength to twitch his fingers around the hilt of his sword.
Guess...guess this is it... Guy thought. Suddenly the air around him became filled with screams of pain and roars of anger.

“You can’t do this!!†a female voice shouted.
What?! Guy thought, not sure what was going on around him.
“We have no choice.†a male voice said.
“Yes you do! You can let me stay and fight!!†the girl said again.
“We can’t take that chance!†another voice said.
“I’m strong and you know it!†the girl argued.
“That may be, but you can’t control it yet.†A different voice said.
Then why did you release the seal in the first place?!†the girl argued, her voice filled with turmoil and anguish.
“We didn’t do anything. Father ensured the seal wouldn’t break until the right time.†A voice said.
“The seal is broken, I can fight! Don’t push me away!!†the girl said.
“You’ve already done more than enough, the only thing left for you to do is survive.†a voice said.
“How am I supposed to survive without you guys. I’ve already lost everyone else, don’t force me to lose you guys too!!†the girl shouted.
“In time, you’ll understand...and maybe, you’ll find a way to forgive us. Until that day comes...live.†a voice said.
“But...†the girl said.
“You will become greater than any of us, don’t ever doubt that.†another voice said. “Don’t be afraid of where your heart may lead you...it won’t always be easy, but for every challenge you overcome, it’ll bring you that much closer to putting an end to all of this once and for all.†the third voice said.
“Never give up...we believe in you, always have and always will.†one of the voices said.
“Take this...and never stop fighting for what your heart desires.†a voice said.
“I can’t do this without you guys!†the girl said.
“We’ll always be with you...no matter how many worlds are between us, we’ll always be apart of each other...†A voice said.
Suddenly a streak of light appeared before Guy in the midst of the darkness. “See you soon.†a voice said.
Suddenly a girl came flying though the streak of light and appeared in front of Guy. Her long brown hair floated across her face, as her body was held weightlessly above Guy’s. She was badly injured with cuts all over her body, and blood soaking into her white tank top and ripped shorts, as well as the torn bandages that covered her arms.

What the.....!! Guy thought, suddenly paralyzed with fear at the sight of the girl.
Why?! The girl’s thoughts echoed around her.
Don’t blame yourself. A new voice answered.
Why not?! They sent me away because I wasn’t strong enough to help them, and now they’re going to die...just like... Her voice trailed off.
They knew what part they had to play, and they fulfilled it. Now it’s time for you to do the same. The voice argued.
How can you say that?! First my parents...now my brothers...I’ve lost everyone... the girl said.
You’re not alone. You can become stronger... The voice said.
With your help right?! Your strength means nothing to me. This is all your fault....first you abandon me, now you reappear and try to take control of my power... the girl said.
I was trying to protect you!! The voice said.
A guardian fights to protect others, not themselves!!...but you wouldn’t understand anything about that would you?... The girl said.
Blame me all you want, but I don’t regret my actions. The voice replied.
Of course you don’t...you know nothing of regret, sorrow, or pain...you don’t feel anything...after all, you have no heart... The girl said, as her eyes began to open.
“I won’t let you win....†She said.
Suddenly she raised her hand, and shot out an orb of light. As it floated away it became enveloped in the darkness. Suddenly the light exploded, and it began to pull Guy and the girl towards it. Suddenly Guy realized that she was looking at him with her teal colored eyes.
You’re not supposed to be here... the girl said. As the light began to surround her, she reached out and grabbed Guy’s arm, pulling him with her.

Guy felt weight return to his body, only to slam into the soft grass covered ground. As Guy laid there for a while, he could slowly feel his strength return to him as he began to pull himself up. As he looked up he could see the girl a few feet from him, struggling to move.
She...she’s... Guy thought, becoming paralyzed by fear once more.
“Shut up...†the girl suddenly said, blood dripping from her mouth.
“I don’t need your help...I want nothing to do with you…do you hear me?!...They’re still out there somewhere...I will find them...†the girl said, as she tried to lift herself off the ground, but her wounds were too severe, and she could only manage to use one arm. “The darkness won’t take me yet...and that includes you...I’ll do this on my own...and...I will make him pay...†the girl said.

Suddenly she cried out in immense pain as her body began to glow, brightening the dark area around them, which was only lit by the light of the moon. As the light faded, Guy looked on as all of her wounds vanished, her hair changed from brown to dark purple and her clothes changed to black as well. The dark figure pulled itself up, and looked at Guy with dark purple eyes.
“I thought real swordsmen never showed fear.†the figure said in a deep voice, taking notice of the sword resting against Guy’s hip.
. “Who...who are you?†Guy asked.
“That’s not important right now.†the figure said as it looked at their surroundings. “You...you’re not...that girl...†Guy said, realizing the figure that was now before him was a boy about his age.
“You’re pretty quick aren’t you?†the figure said.
“But...but how?†Guy asked.
“Not important.†the figure said again.
“Then maybe you can tell me what is important.†Guy demanded.
“Your name.†The figure snapped back.
“Huh?†Guy asked.
“Tell me your name.†The figure said again, his voice calm, despite the look of pain and anger in his eyes.
Guy did not respond.
“Suit yourself, I just figured it’d be better than having me keep having to say ‘hey you’.†The figure said sarcastically.
“First tell me what happened to that girl.†Guy said.
“She’s sleeping.†the figure replied.
“Will she be okay?†Guy asked.
“Why do you care?†the figure asked harshly.
“It’s...†Guy said, suddenly remembering what the shadow in the fonstone said to him. “...never mind.†Guy said.
They were silent for a while.
“She’ll return at sunrise.†the figure suddenly said.
“Huh?†Guy asked, slightly confused.
“I told you what you wanted to know.†the figure replied.
They were silece more.
“My name is Guy.†Guy replied.
“Not the most original name, huh?†The figure said sarcastically.
The figure began to walk away from him, then stopped and laid down on the cool, soft grass, keeping his back to Guy. “Get some sleep.†the figure said.
“You sure it’s safe to stay out here?†Guy asked.
“It’s up to you. You can either sleep here, or walk into that forest, and never come back out.†the figure replied, still refusing to face him. The figure laid down and looked up into the sky. Reluctantly Guy did the same, and soon drifted off to sleep.

 

Reply to off-topic: lol, well it IS an old story. But still, it doesn't deserve the sort of mutilation it got,

But yeah, the damn school system should stop making us analyze and waste an entire unit on it. Freaking dead writers.

Inquiry: If I wanted to contribute a "Compents of a Story" guide, what should I do? I'd like to see if I could get some of the master/godly writers here to help out, but I don't think I'm anywhere near worthy enough to ask them directly for that. (That's why I'm taking the coward's way out making this indirect plee for help here in the Workshop!)

 

The Door

Hi! This is like my first story so hey if you like it you like it, if you dont....then dont make me feel bad :p

Ever wonder what that door really was in the cave at Destiny Islands? Ever wonder what lies behind it and what it enters too? Well if you remember, Sora did lock the door to darkness but left that door at Destiny Islands. The guy from organization 13 told Sora that the worlds were connected back at the beginning. It opened and Kiari dissapeared but Sora never returned.

Well...no one is sure what is behind it or what it actually is, unless they do it KH 3 but this is my few on what lies beyond that door. NOTE: I have no real idea what it is but hey...I can imagine cant i? :P

Well....what if the story went like this?

Chapter 1: Darkness Creeps In​

The gentle night called peace and harmony. The sea was gently rocking the boats lined up on the dock. It slowly crept along the edges of the soft sand, shifting it across the open sea. A gentle rain fell over the small island, wind blew quietly, trees shook and bushes rustled. All was quiet, everything in its rightful place. Everything seemed perfect on the small, deserted island.

The next morning the birds chirped their song and the waves crashed. A boy, Sora, awoke from his room with a smile on his face. Sora was a 14 year old boy, full of courage but not the strongest. His hair is spiky and dark brown. His eyes are a deep ocean blue and he wears a silver, crown shaped, necklace. He has two best friends, Kiari, a red head who is very energetic and giggly, and Riku, a strange boy who is very full of himself. His hair, light grey, is straight and to his shoulders.

Sora and Riku always got into fights and competitions, Kiari was merely there to watch and be the referee. Though Sora tried, Riku usually defeated him rather easily. Sora was always discouraged but always tried his hardest when the next fight came around. He actually defeat Riku a few times.

Sora got dressed, then walked out to the beach side, he saw Riku standing there looking out over the sea intently. "Umm..." Sora said causing Riku to jump.

"Oh..." Riku sighed. "Its just you."

"What are you doing out here anyway?" Sora asked, staring out at the same horizon.

"Do you think..." Riku started but hesitated for a moment. "Do you think that there are other worlds beyond ours?"

"What do you mean?" Sora asked.

"Well..." he replied. "Don't you think its strange that we were put on this island. Look around! It is in the middle of no where! If there are other worlds, why were we put on this one?"

"Thats a very complicated question isn't it?" Kiari laughed as she came down along the beach side.

Riku and Sora turned their gaze to Kiari as she approached them. "I am only wondering..." Riku replied and flipped back some of his hair with his hand.

All three of them fell silent after that, no words escaped their mouths. The only sounds heard after that was the waves of the ocean and the gentle whisp of the wind.

Later that evening, Kiari and Sora were sitting down over the edge of the dock. The both were staring out at the horizon, the sun slowly set under the dark blue ocean. "Riku's changed..." Kiari blurted out, breaking the silence.

Sora snapped out of the sunset view and turned his gaze to her. "What do you mean?"

"It's just..." she thought. "I don't know. He's just...different."

"Yeah I guess so..." Sora replied.

"Sora..." Kiari said softly. "Don't ever change..."

"Uhh...ok," he replied not exactly understanding her point. "Only if you don't ever change either, ok?"

Kiari smiled and nodded in reply.

Later that night, Sora was sitting in his bed thinking of the past occurences on the island. A storm was starting to brew outside, wind blew hard, the sky was velvety black, and rain began to come down. Lightning struck, thunder boomed!

Sora jumped as a loud crack roared through the dark sky. He looked out his window and saw a strange figure out along the beach. Sora climbed out of his window and onto the soft grass beneath him.

Who is that?

Sora ran along the beach towards the figure. As he got closer, he could see it was Riku. He was staring up into the now black and red sky.

Whats going on here?

"Riku!" Sora yelled.

"Sora..." Riku replied, he sounding as if he was dieing. "The world has been connected to the others. The door...has opened! The door has opened Sora! We can visit the outside worlds!"

"What are you talking about!?" Sora cried, his voice trailing off by the harsh blows of the wind.

"Once we go through, we might not be able to come back. We can't be afraid! I'm not afraid of the darkness!" Riku cried and began to slowly fade away.

"Riku..." Sora said. Suddenly Riku was engulfed by dark flames. "Riku!" Sora cried and tried to reach for him. The same darkness was now engulfing Sora but he tried to reach as far as he could no matter the pain the darkness was bringing him. Riku stood there as if, in a trance.

The last sight that Sora saw of Riku was his piercing, grass green eyes.

Sora's eyes were blinded by the darkness and the sounds around him quieted to hushes of Keyblade...

Chapter 2: The Door​

Once light came back to Sora's eyes, only then, could he move again. He almost fell over but quickly balanced himself. In his arms was a blade, almost, key-like. The handle was gold and the blade was at least a foot long and silver. The end was shaped just as his necklace.

"Sora!"

Sora whipped around, frightened by the sudden voice. "Kiari?"

"Sora!" The omonious voice yelled again.

Sora turned his gaze over to the waterfall. He noticed a strange door next to it, a strange feeling entered Sora as he gazed into it. He walked over, his voice hushed, his breathing quiet, his heart beating crazily. As he walked he felt like there were people watching him, thousands upon thousands watching and waiting to see what would happen.

Sora made his way to the door and slid it open, it creaked on its way. He slowly stepped into the cave, the door slammed shut behind him making him jump. Sora continued down the cave until he came to an open room. The walls were covered with drawings when he was smaller. Kiari, Riku, and Sora used to come down into the cave and draw on the walls, making strange pictures and designs.

Kiari was standing in the middle of the room, staring at a strange door that none of them had seen before. "Kiari!" Sora cried sounding a little surprised.

Kiari slowly turned around, her face looked souless. "Sora..." she said gently and raised her hand. Sora was just about to walk towards her when the door behind her suddenly burst open and send darkness sprawling from it. The darkness engulfed Kiari just as it did Riku and swallowed her whole and into the door.

"No!" Sora cried and darted for the door. The darkness suddenly lashed out at him and swallowed him up into the door just as the others. The door slammed shut and locked.

Chapter 3: The End of The Beginning​

When Sora awoke, he found himself lieing on the ground. He opened his slowly and saw that he was in the courtyard of a large mansion. Sora slowly stood to his feet and looked around him. The courtyard was neatly up-kept, the bushes were off to the side, the hedges trimmed, the marble columns neatly aligned on the side creating a path way. He looked behind him and saw a black iron gate with a large lock on it.

Sora gazed up at mansion before him.

It's a new world...

The mansion looked amazingly new, yet it had an eerie feeling to it. The mansion seemed to gleam under the large sun above it. "Where am I?" Sora said outloud to himself. "Riku! Kiari..." Sora sighed sadly but held his chin up high. He walked down the lined up path and up to the mansion door. He gripped the knocker of the door tightly and slammed it three times against the oak wood door.

No answer...

Sora tried again, this time harder.

Still no answer....

Sora was getting frustrated so be banged it as hard as he could and the door burst open. Sora looked inside and was surprised to see that it was empty. It looked like such a wonderful looking place from the outside. Yet the inside, just as the outside, also had an eerie feel to it. He turned his held wildly around the room he was in. There was two staircases, each leading upstairs, a sliding door at the opposite of him, two doors on the side of the room and two doors upstairs.

Where am I?



But....that is a different tale for a different time......





I would finish it but im tired so this is where your left off. Hope you like the first part!

 

Only if I'm considered godly :P

 

*Looks at Writer's Workshop*

But...uh I already posted the Version 1.0 copy somewhere on here. If you still want to, you can read it over and I'll make the necessary addtions/edits. o_o

edit*
Here's the link if you want to read over the 1.0 basic version.....
clickie....

 

I think I need a lot of advice on my FanFic.
The link is here:

http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=20655&highlight=Kingdom+Hearts:+Untitled

I have obviously done something wrong, because readers are viewing, but not replying. Which really gets to me.

I have to admit though, I'm an amatuer writer.. so that may be my problem.

Tell me what I need to include- adjectives, more feeling, anything.

Please let me know

Thanks.

 

All the writers on this site--actually even at bigger places like FF.net or mm.org--will always have a small percentage of their readers replying. This isn't because they might not have liked it, but reviewing/posting takes time and requires effort to do. Some may like your work but just don't know what to say about it, but that doesn't make it bad. Just from personal experience, my fic on this site has reached almost 9,000 views (although many are probably the same members reading), but even then I've under 200 replies (since mine don't count).

Anyway, on to your story.

First off, the most important thing to remember is what sells your fic the most is the story. You can have perfect grammar and excellent lexicon but if your story doesn't captivate a reader, they won't bother reading more. Now like I've said many times before, ideas can't be critiqued or taught, so I obviously can't start telling you what to change about your story in terms of content or direction, but as a reader, I just wasn't quite captivated by your story.

Your grammar is a little clumsy, so sometimes the thoughts of your characters don't carry over too well to the reader, and will more often confuse the flow of communication as we, the readers, continue reading each paragraph. However, overall these mistakes are far from anything that can't be corrected, and as a whole, what your characters are saying and doing can be understood.

But my foremost criticism on this work is the tone of the fic. It's obvious that "Kingdom Hearts 2: Untitled" is a light-themed piece (or seems to be so far), and won't have an lavishly complicated plot or an incredibly ominous villain who will shake the foundations of the peaceful world that Sora and co. have finally found. Now whenever a fic is casual and light in nature, usually a writer will try to win the interest of the reader with vivid characterization, entertaining dialogue and an intimate--and perhaps comical--tone throughout. That being said, a lot of your narratives felt monotonous and definitive, and only came off even more so with some of the dialogue seeming meaningless and insignificant in context of the scene. Your opening lines with Kairi and Namine, for example. The two girls were making small talk, saying things like "Nice weather we're having" and "Of course" and after that, the scene practically finished.

It's common to overuse dialogue because it's easy to believe that with the 'active' nature of characters speaking lines, it attracts the attention of the reader. However, this is only true if the lines spoken have some plot-advancing significance, or character-developing significance. Thus, contrary to popular belief, not *everything* can/should be used in dialogue. You'll find that if you cut down on the dialogue and instead summarize smaller scenes/events in narrative, there is a whole lot more creativity at your disposal to describe the mood and feelings of the characters for that particular scene.

For your next chapter, try writing your narratives as if you were one of the characters (also known as first-person narrative or third-person-limited) as this may help improve the tone of the fic overall. Using first-person narrative can greatly help make this easier to do, since it may open you up to adding a personal touch to the descriptions and make them more lively and animated. I felt your narratives were lacking in this sense.

Excerpt from KH2: Untitled:

Here, you simply described each of their actions as separate thoughts. Now although these descriptions are incredibly accurate and we, readers, know exactly what's going on, it also lacks a sense of liveliness and character--or slightly rephrased: the tone is extremely boring. It felt like you were reciting a list: "Person 1 did this, Person 2 did that, Person 3... etc". The thought flow of the paragraph was abruptly severed into small sections, which can be improved upon.

Like I mentioned before, try explaining the scene from one character's perspective. You can use first-person narrative to achieve this, but I'll use a third-person-limited style for this revision:

1st Revision (third-person-limited)

I tried to keep the detail level the same as the excerpt, but you can already see how changing the perspective of the narrative can add a more intimate tone to what is being said and how the paragraph flows much more nicely. It really becomes a story told and seen by the people who lived them. You don't have to stop there; you can work on adding more details and going more in-depth with how the characters are feeling as you go along.


2nd Revision (third-person-limited):

Now not only is this paragraph a whole lot longer, it explores many more facets than the 1st revision did. It adds a dimension of emotion to Roxas' thoughts as he carried out his actions, so we have some idea of how he felt and what was going through his mind as the scene goes on. As well, the additional detail that went into describing Sora as a "spiky haired brunette" and Riku being 'drawn in' by a 'certain pair of ladies', it also adds more personality to the other characters present within the scene and helps keep things from going stale and void of stagnancy by providing a variety of different visuals for your readers to imagine.

Now just to clarrify something. Your original excerpt was using a style called third-person-omniscient. That is, the narrator sees all, and knows all about everything that is going on in the scene. While I did say to try describing a scene in the perspective of one character to add a more intimate tone, this doesn't make third-person-omniscient a bad style at all. In fact, sometimes there are more possibilities with using third-person-omniscient because since everything is known by the narrator, there can be so much more to say and explain at your disposal. I'll revise the 2nd revision using third-person-omniscient:

3rd Revision (third-person-omniscient):

As you can see, with third-person-omniscient, it's now possible to describe the emotions of all the characters present in the scene, which can be a powerful ability to have when you're confronted with an emotion-heavy scene that is driven almost completely by the thoughts and reflections of several characters rather than their physical actions. Both third-person-omniscient and third-person-limited have their uses and their own limitations so oftentimes it's good to use both, switching back and forth when needed.

There are a vast variety of ways to explain a single event, and depending on what you want to get across to your reader will determine which style of storytelling will be best to use. The perspective, as well as a carefully structured lexicon will all help to accurately convey the right emotion, thought, or idea to your reader. Keep experimenting with your writing and you'll eventually develop an arsenal of ways that you know work for you.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me with that. I greatly appreciate it. I'm working on writing another chapter right now.. and plan to all day so I will definitely keep those facts in mind from now on. Unfortunately, I have to go back and revise every chapter I've done so far, which is about.. six. Oh well, what needs to be done, needs to be done. Again, thanks so much for your help. I'll try my hardest to make it work.

 

I haven't posted it on my fanfic yet...but here is the first paragraph or so......please tell me what i can do to make it better. The story is a fanfic of D.Gray-Man. Bookman has died, and Lavi is the new one. Anyways.....here it is.
"She fell to the cold, hard ground, out of breath and willing not to go on. It had felt like she had been running for hours, but it could only have been a few minutes. She couldn't move, she just wanted to lay there and rest for all eternity.

"You can run but you can't hide," the taunting voice echoed around her. She forced herself back on her feet, and took off once more. Her mussels ached in rebellion, they were against the idea of sudden movement. Unfeeling laughter followed her escape from the damp, dark ally. Shapes and places passed on a blur. She stumbled on a forlorn bottle, causing her to twist her ankle. Fighting back the urge to whimper in pain, she dragged herself forward to a dark corner of a street and hide among boxes. There was no place for her to run, she was trapped. The thing would surely catch up to her in a matter of seconds. She could feel it drawing closer and closer. Her hand automatically strayed to the pendent she wore around her neck, as if it would protect her from the approaching fiend .

"Boo!" the hideous monster showed up at last. The child was frightened, and huddled herself as close to the wall as possible, crying silently in her knees.

"I can sense your innocence," The monster rasped as it walked toward the girl. In the distance, she heard the distorted steps of someone who was running. Maybe the first person to find her corpse. The thought sent chills down her small spine. Help me, she thought to herself please, someone. Her heart pounded loudly in her chest, she wished it would stop being so loud. It probably gave away any chance of escape. She buried her head in her knees, and began to cry silently. The foot steps stopped, and so did her heart.

A huge explosion rocked the ground beneath her, she didn't dare to look up from her sanctuary of darkness.

"It's all right, little one," A kind voice was speaking to her now, still she didn't look up. She heard a rustle of clothes, a light jacket was placed around her shoulders. "You have no reason to be scared. The akuma will no longer bother you," Slowly the girl looked up into a single green eye, leveled with her black ones. The calm gaze of his eyes seemed to calm the child's own nerves.

"What is your name?" He asked kindly.

"Y-Yume." She stumbled over the words. Although she felt better, her body wouldn't stop shaking.

"I am the Bookman of the Black Order. You can call me Lavi." He held out his hand to help Yume up. She took and he pulled her easily to her feet, but the moment Lavi let go of Yume's hand, she fell back to the floor with a yelp. Reaching over, Lavi carefully checked the injured ankle.

"You hurt your ankle pretty badly, didn't you?" He picked her up like the baby she was, and carried her off. It was comforting to be carried off to safety, even though Yume knew nothing of this man. He could be a monster, akuma he called it, himself. She didn't care, finally she could rest. Finally she could stop worrying, at least for now.

Yume woke with a start, she didn't even remember falling asleep. Quickly, she scanned the unfamiliar room. Lavi was sitting at a desk, writing a large black book. Yume felt attracted to the book, like it was calling to her. She stood up, minding the injured ankle, and limped over to Lavi's side.

She glanced at Lavi's insanely neat handwriting, each of the letters he wrote seem to dance on the pages. Lavi glanced up from his work to see Yume standing awkwardly beside him. Standing, he ruffled Yume's already messy short, black hair, and left the room. His book lay open, forgotten, on the desk. Within seconds, Yume was flipping through the pages of the large book.
The worn book crackled as Yume turned the yellowed pages. She stared in wonder at the assortment of sketches and stories from the past."
And then i get major writers block......If you have a way to help me through that could you please tell me?

 

Your writing was actually very good, with only a few corrections needed (which I modified, colored with white). Basically, be careful not to have run-on sentences, or end half of it with a comma. It makes the reader pause, as if the next part will be another sentence, but put by itself, it's not complete.

Anyhow, as for writer's block...listening to music can help, and reading a book/manga, watching a show/anime, and playing video games can help jog the memory. As for some ideas...you'll have to tell me what you got planned so far...

I hope that helps. :)

And Kairi2011, give me some time, and I'll check out your fanfic to try to help!​

 

Dude, *falls out of chair from laughing so hard* " Demyx and Axel exchanged glances, and burst out laughing. “I, Marluxia,†said the pyromaniac, “Order you, #12, to clean the floor until it is spotless.†Roxas and Demyx burst out as Axel mimed Marluxia." Axel and Demyx just start laughing. Marluxia is a pink flower boy. Lol. >.> btw NICE! IT PWNS!! :3

 

FanFictions

As Far as Kingdom Hearts goes; I've written(or rather, writing) 2, soon to be 3.

 

For those who have had trouble...

If this was already said, my bad. :xp:

For those of you who are serious about writing, this website will most likely help you:

MLA Website

It'll give you tips on proper grammar and punctuation when working on a new story piece. It might be a tedious read, but it helps. Trust me on this one. ;)

 

I need help with my fanfiction.

The link is: http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=39005

This is the first time that I wrote a story. I'm not sure if it is good because English isn't my first language.

Please tell me what I can do to write it better and if it needs more adjectives or something else.

By the way, thanks for the website DF, it helped me a lot. ^_^

 

Hi all. I'm Allstargamer. ASG for short. I'm still fairly new here on KH-vids. A few weeks ago, I started posting my fanfiction, "Beginning of Destiny" Here. It's about Roxas between the time that he was created until he joined the Organization. The way I've worked it out is that it actually fits into the KH timeline.

http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=40615

It's my first fanfic, but I've had experience in Creative writing before. I've done some script comedies, as well as what could only be considered a prequal to BoD. I've posted that up along with the first chapter. I've posted 6 chapters so far, but it's up to 19 chapters and counting!

It's been fairly successful on KHI and Fanfiction.net( it has a different title there) So I thought I'd try posting it here. So far, I've got two readers and others who would pop in from time to time. I would love it if some more people would check it out! ^^;

 

Thats an awesome story! Would you mind critqueing mine? I dunno how to post a link...but it's simply called Namine's story. I also would like it if people would actually read stories other than secret report wich sucks.

 

You've got potential, but nothing I would write home about. I left you some tips to help you.

 

thanx! i will try them out asap!

 

hi all i found this new place and it looks amature but with more members it could get really kool... it's about Poems & Stories... ill post the link

Story World v2<<<<<<< LINK

 

Yo, I just wanted to put a few of my works up for inspection. I know I can do better!

KH2: Heart of a Demon: http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=43309&highlight=Nero+Dante+Sora+Kairi+Riku

Some passages I wrote in the setting of Soraspartanti's story KH: You Included. The first passage is my character Dante squaring off to fight Ansem. Second and third are the OCs fighting Zexion after he stole Sora's heart.
http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=43822&page=10
http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=43822&page=18